Wednesday, December 29, 2010

And then there were 3!

So we now have 3 foster children living in our home. We have an almost 11 month old baby girl, a 4.5 year old boy and an almost 3 year old boy. The boys are half brothers. the girl is unrelated. These are the same little boys we've had. We got the baby in September when she was 7 months old. We still hope to be able to adopt. Things are still a roller coaster with the boys...not sure what is going to happen with them. We go back to court in February.

As I was lying in bed last night, I started getting depressed again. I just don't understand why it's so hard for us to become permanent parents. The boys' parents have had 1.5 years to get their act together but just can't seem to. Yet, the judge keeps giving them more and more time. Obviously they don't care about their children like we do, so just sign them over already. I know this is me being very selfish. But if I were their mother, I would have done what I needed to do a long time ago.

As for the baby, she is so precious. It has always been our dream to have a little girl. Her mother is very young and doesn't know what she's doing. The baby's grandfather is pushing his daughter to get her back. She doesn't seem to be that interested. Honestly, if the grandfather weren't in the picture, I believe she would sign over her rights.

I just don't understand what is taking so long. We're still off the pill as we have been for almost 5 years now. The miscarriage was over 4.5 years ago. Still no pregnancy since. To be completely honest, I still would like to give birth to a baby. Our baby, but I don't know if that's in the Lord's plan or not. A baby that can't be taken away from us and given back to it's birth mother/father. I believe I would be very happy adopting these 3 children. (I don't know how we would ever afford it though!!!) But I still think there would be a sense of loss or longing there. I long so deeply to be a birth mommy. I dream about what mine and my husband's children will look like, although I don't know if we'll ever get to see "our" child.

Our friends that are fostering, have already had 2 of their children cleared for adoption and a 3rd child is just a blink away. Another set of friends are very close as well, but it seems as though we'll be on this ride forever.

Part of me is just ready to STOP fostering. Part of me would like to do it for a while. I'm just ready to be off the roller coaster. One month it looks like we might get the kids, the next month, they might go back. It's so disheartening. Please pray for our family. I'm ready to have children that can't be taken away (through adoption or birth). Some days it's just so hard. I feel like I'm so down in the dumps, but I'm very glad to be their mother for this short time. Who knows, maybe it will be permanent; then again, maybe not. Only time will tell.