I Just Want To Be A Mommy

And then there were 3!

2010-12-29T18:25:00.002-05:00

So we now have 3 foster children living in our home. We have an almost 11 month old baby girl, a 4.5 year old boy and an almost 3 year old boy. The boys are half brothers. the girl is unrelated. These are the same little boys we've had. We got the baby in September when she was 7 months old. We still hope to be able to adopt. Things are still a roller coaster with the boys...not sure what is going to happen with them. We go back to court in February.

As I was lying in bed last night, I started getting depressed again. I just don't understand why it's so hard for us to become permanent parents. The boys' parents have had 1.5 years to get their act together but just can't seem to. Yet, the judge keeps giving them more and more time. Obviously they don't care about their children like we do, so just sign them over already. I know this is me being very selfish. But if I were their mother, I would have done what I needed to do a long time ago.

As for the baby, she is so precious. It has always been our dream to have a little girl. Her mother is very young and doesn't know what she's doing. The baby's grandfather is pushing his daughter to get her back. She doesn't seem to be that interested. Honestly, if the grandfather weren't in the picture, I believe she would sign over her rights.

I just don't understand what is taking so long. We're still off the pill as we have been for almost 5 years now. The miscarriage was over 4.5 years ago. Still no pregnancy since. To be completely honest, I still would like to give birth to a baby. Our baby, but I don't know if that's in the Lord's plan or not. A baby that can't be taken away from us and given back to it's birth mother/father. I believe I would be very happy adopting these 3 children. (I don't know how we would ever afford it though!!!) But I still think there would be a sense of loss or longing there. I long so deeply to be a birth mommy. I dream about what mine and my husband's children will look like, although I don't know if we'll ever get to see "our" child.

Our friends that are fostering, have already had 2 of their children cleared for adoption and a 3rd child is just a blink away. Another set of friends are very close as well, but it seems as though we'll be on this ride forever.

Part of me is just ready to STOP fostering. Part of me would like to do it for a while. I'm just ready to be off the roller coaster. One month it looks like we might get the kids, the next month, they might go back. It's so disheartening. Please pray for our family. I'm ready to have children that can't be taken away (through adoption or birth). Some days it's just so hard. I feel like I'm so down in the dumps, but I'm very glad to be their mother for this short time. Who knows, maybe it will be permanent; then again, maybe not. Only time will tell.

And then there were two...

2010-03-26T18:39:00.002-04:00

Wow...it's been a while! I don't know if anyone even still reads this thing. But here's an update! I've been extremely busy with my 2 boys! We got A's younger brother back at the end of January. So now we have a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old. Things are crazy but in a good way! They are both precious! The BM has started doing some things to try to get them back...who knows if she'll continue or not. Part of me wants them to go back to her and part of me wants to adopt them and be able to call them my sons. My husband and I both feel this way. We feel that God has prepared us for the best either way. Whatever God wants, is best for us anyway! They are both very loving boys and very active. I only thought I was busy before kids! But I wouldn't have it any other way! Hopefully it won't be months before the next update!

Blessings!

Finally a mommy...sort of!

2009-11-21T15:09:00.002-05:00

We have a foster child, A! He is a sweet little boy. We've had him for about 2 weeks now. He is very well mannered, good natured, and listens! He is 3 years old. We may get his little brother, C at some point. He is 1.5 years old. The ultimate goal is for reunification with his parents, but I'm still praying that maybe we'll get to adopt him! I'm really not getting my hopes up though. Although, it does look like he will be with us for a while!

Wow....It's been a while

2009-07-06T09:50:00.003-04:00

So it's been a while since I've blogged. Lots going on here. We finished our fostering/adoption classes. We've been trying to get all of our paperwork together so we can have the fire inspection and the home study. Found out that my cousin and his wife are expecting again. I'm happy for them though. N and I are trying again. We haven't been trying for probably 6 months, but we haven't been preventing anything either. I'm using OV kits. So far it doesn't look like I've ovulated. Not sure what's going on with that. Either it's just a really loooooong cycle or I'm not going to ovulate. Taking the 6 months off was definitely worth it. We really enjoyed just being together. Not having to say "ok, it's time now!!" That got old pretty quick. It seems like just about everyone on here that I follow has either adopted or had a baby. Congrats to all of you. I'm still praying for my turn. Found out about a month ago that my grandfather has lung cancer. Yep...from all those years of smoking. He did stop smoking a few years back but it was too late. Did I mention he's already in stage 4??? I so want to have at least 1 kid before he passes, but that's not looking too good either. I know God's timing is perfect...it just doesn't seem that way to me!! But when and if we get pregnant, God will get all the glory. After all, it's nothing we've done!! I'm so ready to adopt as well. Not looking as forward to fostering. I'm just hoping and praying that the first one we get will be the one we adopt!! I have a feeling that we won't get pregnant until we adopt. I think God is testing us maybe. He wants to see if we will follow through with what He told us to do. Who knows, I may be way off with that one. Only God knows! God's ways are definitely higher than mine.

Onto other news, I'm having back spasms. My back hurts so bad, it hurts to move. This is the second time this has happened since my last post! I'm drugged up with pain patches and muscle relaxers!!

And even more news (not that anyone ever reads this thing anyway--especially since I'm a horrible blogger!!), we have finally started working on our back yard. We had 2 trees planted last week and this week (hopefully) we are going to lay or begin laying our stone patio. It's going to be sooooo nice!! I can't wait until it's finished!

God bless!
Casey

Only 4 classes to go...

2009-03-01T18:09:00.003-05:00

Wow have we been busy! We only have 4 adoption classes left. We've been to the first 6 already. They have been very informative (some of it is too much info!!!). Some topics you just wouldn't think of. Every Tuesday night for 10 weeks straight we meet from 6-9:00 PM. It is 30 hours work of MAPP training. We will also be getting our fostering license, although I don't know if we will foster. We would just like to adopt. The ladies in charge say that it's much easier to adopt once you've fostered, especially if the child you're fostering becomes available for adoption. However, having said that, my DH and I would like to adopt a baby. A lot of times babies come with older siblings. I asked my DH how many he would like to adopt this 1st time and he said "I was thinking one." So....I was thinking 1 or 2. Especially if the older sibling isn't more than 3 years old. Who knows what God has planned for us. I'm still praying for a miracle in the baby making department if you know what I mean. We aren't preventing anything (not that there's anything to prevent- we've been off the pill since May of 2006), but we're not really trying either. Just having fun...trying not to think about whether what we're doing at any particular moment could create a small miracle in my womb. Wink wink:)

Did I mention I love my DH? He is the most amazing and incredible man I know. Our relationship has only grown stronger and we've grown MUCH closer since we've gone through all of this CRAP! Not that I'm happy about the miscarriage or the infertility, but I can honestly say that I will never regret the growth in our marriage. He is such an incredible husband!

The results are in...

2008-12-23T17:39:00.001-05:00

The surgery went well. The dr. found a small amount of endometriosis (I'm not sure where yet). There was no scar tissue left in my uterus from the miscarriage. This is something I was and have been extremely concerned about because we chose not to have a D&C after the miscarriage. I guess I made the right decision. He also found something unusual. One of my fallopian tubes was tucked behind my bowels. He said I must have been born this way. He moved it back in the appropriate location. He said he's since this a few other times. Some of the ladies got pregnant immediately after moving the tube, some did not. So I'm at home, drugged up on pain meds. On another positive note, I signed my hubby and I up for adoption classes. They start in January. I'm sooooo excited about adopting! Who knows we may end up with a couple of babies next year!!!!
Pray that the recovery goes well...I'm hurting more in my neck than anywhere else right now. I guess it's the way they had me during surgery. I'm really only hurting in my stomach when I cough, move, or laugh! My throat hurts a lot (from the tube) and I'm coughing and my voice is very scratchy. But other than those things and being out of it...I'm doing ok. I guess I'm really doing better than I thought I would be. I've heard the 2nd day after surgery is the worst--look out tomorrow! Hopefully I'll be ok.

Blessings!

Surgery Day is Here...

2008-12-22T09:10:00.002-05:00

Well I guess the title explains it all. My surgery (laparoscopy and hysteroscopy) are today at 1:00. Wish me luck! I'm already in pain from the cyst I had removed on my back last week. I thought little cyst, little incision. Boy was I wrong. I have a 3 inch incision sewn up in three layers. Can we say ouch!!! Anyway, I guess after today we'll know what we're really dealing with in the infertility department. Hopefully good news! I signed DH and I up for our adoption classes last week. They start in January. I'm excited about that too.

Well, it's off to go pack an overnight bag (just in case). Wish me luck!

Blessings!

OK...so here's what's up

2008-12-04T18:55:00.003-05:00

My hubby and I have decided to pursue the adoption route. We are not giving up on TTC. In fact, we are going to continue with it. I'm going to have lap surgery right before Christmas to check for possible endo or other things that may be going on down there. Hopefully, we'll have good news OR they can zap what's in there. Then, we will try a couple more rounds of IUIs.

We feel that God has really led us in the adoption direction, but we don't feel like He's saying don't TTC. It's really a neat story, but it's long and I really don't feel like typing all of that tonight. Maybe some other time.

Jill is having a giveaway of her favorite things. Go visit her site and enter. You only have until tomorrow night! So hurry!

Well...I know it's been a while....

2008-11-16T13:14:00.003-05:00

I've been in hiding. I've kept up with all of you, but I didn't want to be around. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I feel like I might be going back into a depression, but I'm fighting it hard. It may be the change of seasons or just because of our situation or both.

Today is going to be a tough day for me. We are having a family portrait of my DH's family (just the kids and grandkid)...it's just another reminder that we STILL don't have kids. Our twins should be 1 1/2 old now. I wonder what they would be like??? Too cute to imagine I guess.

Anyway, we're trying to decide what to do. I can do one more IUI and then if it doesn't work have the laproscopic surgery for the possible endo in December. But here's my problem. It turns out that my insurance did pay for all but $140 of the IUI. They didn't bill it as an IUI. They billed it as office visit, supplies, etc. That doesn't sound like a problem, right? It's actually very good. Here's my dilemma. I only have $5000 lifetime fertility insurance coverage. I have around $3200 left. If I have the lap surgery, will it be billed as fertility? I hope not. If not, then I can still have other IUI's. If so, that may be all we can do.

Does anyone know how the surgery would be billed?

I'm just wondering who all follows my blog. If you do, could you please leave a quick comment so that I can start following yours if I'm not already. I'm already following 43 blogs, what's a few more! I'm very faithful. I read everyone's blogs EVERYDAY!!! I love keeping up with each of you and your journey through this horrible thing. Most of the time you give me hope. I celebrate when you have success and cry when there is failure. So please leave a comment, so I can get to know more of you. Thanks!

Blessings!

Casey

2008-10-20T17:16:00.002-04:00

No...BFN...

I feel myself going backward back into the depression. I knew this time would be the hardest negative to take so far. But after 25, you think we'd be used to it. I feel like this was our last option. We have no money for IVF, another IUI, adoption, etc. I have $50 in my savings account. We're broke. So I guess it will be just me and N for a little while longer. I don't think we'll ever have a baby. I may not be on here for a while.

Blessings to you (but not to me)

Well...

2008-10-18T09:25:00.002-04:00

I took a test this morning and it was negative. I know it could still be too early (even though it has been exactly 14dpiui. I used a dollar test that I had. I don't know how good those are anyway. I guess I'll still have my beta done next week unless AF rears her ugly head. I really hope the test was wrong or it's too early. I can't have a negative result again. This will be 26 negative results in a row for us. I told my husband that I'm terrified it's going to be negative. I'm even more terrified that it's going to be positive. We've only had one positive result ever (but that only lasted 9 weeks), so that would be fairly new territory. I'm even more scared that it will be positive but end up being a tubal pregnancy or I'll have a miscarriage. I remember praying after my miscarriage that God would not allow me to get pregnant unless I was going to carry the baby to term and it be healthy. I just don't think I could handle another miscarriage. I went into a deep depression that lasted 1.5 years with the last one.

Has anyone else taken a test the day 14dpiui and it be negative but then have the beta be positive? I'm still trying to have hope and faith, but it's really hard. I'm sort of down in the dumps now. I knew I shouldn't have taken that test this morning!

I hope all is going well for all of you!

Blessings!

The wait is killing me!

2008-10-15T06:32:00.002-04:00

This 2ww is about to kill me! I just want to know if we wasted over $800 (so far-I haven't received all of the bills yet) or if we were successful. I so want to take a hpt, but I'm terrified of the results! I go in on Monday for the beta, but I don't know if I can wait that long!

Blessings!

We did it!

2008-10-04T15:37:00.002-04:00

The IUI has been completed! DH started out with 78 million sperm and after washing and separating, we had 40 million to use! The dr. said all of those were high quality! He said he liked to see anything about 10-20 million. So that was excellent news! The IUI didn't hurt hardly at all. I just felt a little twinge when he put the catheter in. He said that my progesterone level was 1.5, which meant I had not ovulated yet, but would be ovulating in the next 6 hours. So we'll hope the little guys hang out and wait for my little eggs! I guess we'll know something in about 2 weeks! I start the progesterone on Wednesday!

Now it's off to my dad's surprise 50th birthday party!

Blessings!

We are still a go!

2008-10-01T10:33:00.003-04:00

Today is CD12. I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. I have 2 follicles measuring 17 and 19. We have several other smaller follicles from 11 down to below 6. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back and give me the go-ahead. I think we will be doing the trigger shot tomorrow night and the IUI on Saturday morning. I'll update if it changes! Pray that all goes well!

P.S. Today's visit was night and day from the last one. Everyone was super nice and the dr. even took time to answer my questions!

Blessings!

We are a go!

2008-09-24T06:42:00.001-04:00

We are a go for this cycle (for now anyways!). I go back on Oct. 1 to make sure everything is still ok. I told the nurse when she called with my results that I do not EVER want to see that dr. again. She kept apologizing and said that next time I would see a different dr. But it's still not MY dr. Anyone else have this problem at the RE? You see your own dr. the first time, but after that, you see every other dr in the place? Hopefully my dr. can do the IUI!

Blessings!

On our way to the dr.

2008-09-22T07:02:00.002-04:00

Update:

It has not been a good morning. The Dr. was very short with me (not my usual doctor). She maybe spent 2 minutes in there if that and did an ultrasound during that time. She babbled something about PCOS on the right ovary. Yeah! Another thing to deal with. But she never asked if I had any questions or anything. I just wanted to cry. My husband said "I really hate those ultrasound machines. We never get good news when one is used. Maybe if this works, I can start to like them again." It made me feel so bad for him. So they gave me my prescriptions and said they would call me with my lab results. I guess I'll know if we get to start this thing later on today. My hubby and I went out into the parking lot and I just cried. He told me that he never wanted me to see that Dr. again. She was almost rude. I really hope that something positive (a baby) can come from this. I guess she assumed that I had been there before for the same thing several times. She didn't even bother to explain anything. I had to ask the nurse on the way out what to do. When the dr left, she didn't say get dressed or anything. She just handed my hubby the chart and walked out. I really dislike her. I will definitely request to never see her again. I really felt like a number and like I didn't matter at all. I don't think my words can do this situation justice. It was crappy!

On the way home a rock flew up and chipped my windshield. What a lovely day. I'm getting ready to go to work now. I don't even want to. I just want to get back in my pj's and cry for the rest of the day. But oh well! I'm a big girl and I have to go to work so I can pay for my 3 prescriptions that I will pick up this afternoon. They will probably be at least $130.00. I'm used to my $10.00 copay! I guess that's all going out the window too!

I hope you all have a great day. I will post again when I have another update.

N and I are on our way to see the RE this morning. Hopefully everything will be ok and we can get started on this journey! I'll update you when I know more.

I did it!

2008-09-20T07:45:00.002-04:00

AF arrived this morning 8 days late, but she arrived nonetheless. I made the call to the RE's office this morning to start the IUI process. Now I'm just waiting for a call back.

I have been sick the past 2 days...still not feeling well today. Not sure what's going on. Either a virus of some sort or a mild case of food poisoning. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

Blessings!

Well...Here we go!

2008-09-16T05:52:00.002-04:00

As soon as AF shows up, my hubby and I have decided to move forward with the IUI. She was supposed to appear on Friday, but has neglected to show up so far. I do not get my hopes up about being pg when she is late. You must remember that I was once 23 days late, with no BFP! So a few days doesn't mean anything to me. For those of you who have gone through an IUI, please leave me a comment as to what to expect. I'm a little scared that it will hurt very badly. I had an HSG done back in April and it was extremely painful. Can we say cervix clamp? That was the only thing that was painful, the rest was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I pray he doesn't use a cervix clamp for this, but I guess if it's necessary, I will endure it once again. Anyone else had a cervix clamp used on them?

Please leave comments and let me know if you read my blog, I would love to know who all of you are! Also, if you've gone through an IUI, please let me know what to expect. Thanks so much!

Blessings!

My hubby is amazing!

2008-09-12T06:31:00.002-04:00

My DH left me a message on the bathroom mirror the morning after the anniversary of our miscarriage. I got to see it when I came home that night. It said:

C,
I love you with all of my heart.
One day I know that God will bless us with a child and you will be the best mom in the whole world. I pray for you daily and can't wait for that day!
N

Is he not precious? By the way, the message was written in dry erase marker. That is a great way to leave your spouse or kids notes, or to remind yourself of something. Just make sure that it is a dry erase marker and it will come off easily!

If I'm not pregnant (AF should arrive sometime this weekend), then I think we are going to go ahead with the IUI. I spoke with the RE's office yesterday and got a lot of my questions answered. I'm still hoping that I'm pregnant now so I don't have to spend all of that money!

Blessings!

Tomorrow is the day...

2008-09-08T17:56:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow will be two years since our little angels went to Heaven. I'm sure none of my family will even remember this date. I'm so glad my hubby is not working tomorrow night so he can be home with me. I thought about taking the day off tomorrow, but I decided that if I can keep my mind off of it, that would probably be best. Even if I am emotional tomorrow (which is expected), it cannot compare to last Thursday.

I feel a lot better now. Thanks so much for your kind words and words of encouragement. I feel like you ladies truly care more than my hubby's side of the family. Seeing how none of them has ever gone through a miscarriage, you can understand why.

That's why I love our little blogger world. We all can relate. We can share our feelings without anyone getting upset or thinking little of us. I read so many blogs everyday. I feel like sometimes I spend more time in "blogger world" than I do with my own hubby. That's not true of course, but sometimes it feels that way.

When I came home today, I walked into the kitchen to find that a salad plate and a salad bowl from my fine china had fallen off the china cabinet. Yep, you guessed it, they were both broken! A dinner plate was on top of them but was not harmed. Hmmm....I wonder how this could have happened. DH and I were both at work, the dog was outside...the only one left...the cat! I got on to him pretty good, but then I felt bad (just in case he had nothing to do with it) and picked him up and cuddled him. Needless to say he's scared of me right now. The strange thing is that we have a glass break on our Alarm system that is right by the china cabinet, but the alarm never went off...gotta get that checked out.

Did I ever mention that I teach middle school? Well let's just say today was a very interesting day. My classes were all good, my observation went excellent, and the excitement started at the end of the day. Evidently there was some DRAMA that started over the weekend between some middle school and high school boys. Some HS boys were suspended today and they decided that they would come to our school and jump some of our middle school boys. Not going to tell you the whole story. It was all handled and everyone is ok. But there will be charges pressed against the HS boys who came to our school. There was also more drama down the road with guns supposedly and they had to call the cops out, get the football, softball, and cross country teams out of harms way before they could take care of this situation. Did I mention I teach middle school inside the city limits...an IN.NER CI.TY SCHO.OL!!!! Yes things were quite interesting. Our principal told us that we needed to be proactive tomorrow just in case something else happened.

See what all ya'll miss by not teaching middle school. There's always a story to tell.

Blessings!

I feel so defeated

2008-09-04T18:48:00.004-04:00

I feel so defeated today. I have done nothing but cry. My mother-in-law called this afternoon and wanted to know if we had done the IUI yet. She offered again to give us the money for it. We refused again. She said she doesn't want to seem like she's pushing. I feel like no one in our family cares. I know they do, but no one asks us how we're doing. For goodness sake, I'm still struggling with the loss of my babies.

It's been almost 2 years since our miscarriage of our twins (Sept. 9). We can't get pregnant on our own unless God intervenes. I've been through enough. Haven't I? I know some of you have been through so much more than me. In the Bible it says that God won't put more on us than we can bear. I feel as though I can't bear anymore. With all of the deaths in the past few months, I just can't take anymore. I would love to be pregnant this month without an IUI. I've prayed so much and for so long for a child. We've only saved about half of the money for the IUI. I was hoping to have 3/4 to 100% of it this month. But it didn't happen. I realize the month just started, but I'm a teacher and I only get paid once a month. My entire check is gone. Did I mention my husband is a youth pastor? Not much money coming in there.

As I sit here typing, I can't help but cry. I miss my twins so much. I feel like no one even cares about my babies. How can you miss someone so much that you never met? I can't explain it, but I have an incredibly large hole in my heart. Nothing can fill it. No amount of "I'm sorry's", "I love you's", or "It will be okay's" makes it feel better. I feel like such a failure. My parents and his parents want grandkids so badly. Lucky for his parents, they have an older son who gave them a child back in April, just a couple of weeks past the one year anniversary of my twins death. It still hurts so badly! I can't explain it. I just want to be a mommy so badly. My husband will be such a good dad. He's wonderful with kids. He talks about how he wants a little girl so much. It breaks my heart that I can't give her to him. He talks about when we have kids we'll... But in my heart I feel like I'll never be able to give him children. Everyone in our family still says "there's plenty of time, you're only 26." or "you'll have kids one day." So because I'm a little bit younger (I don't think 26 is too young to want a child---might I remind you that I am a middle school teacher and we have several young teenage girls who are pregnant right now. It kills me!) I'm expected to want a child less??? It doesn't make sense. As for the second statement, no one except for God knows if we will EVER have kids. We can't afford adoption or IVF. So if the IUI's don't work, I don't know what we'll do. Did I mention that my husband and I both have second jobs now to try to save the money for the procedure? I'm so exhausted when I get home from work, I don't want to do another job. He stays tired all the time and we are losing lots of valuable time together. I just wonder if all of this is worth it. Saving money for something that may or may not work. If it doesn't, i'll just feel like we threw $1200 out the window.

I'm sorry this post is SOOOO long. I really just needed to vent today. I can't stop crying. Please pray for me as I'm by myself (yet again) while my husband is at work for the next 3 hours. I hate this...I really do.

Blessings to you all.

Back to the grindstone!

2008-08-25T17:41:00.002-04:00

Well the kids started back to school today. I have 130 students this year so far. I know this number will fluctuate all year. I have some talkers in a couple of my classes. I will definitely have to keep a tight leash on those classes, but overall I think it will be a great year! We are doing lots of new things this year and I'm very excited about it.

Nathan and I are going to "Try" again this week to get pregnant. We are saving money as fast as we can to do the IUI. He wants to try it first. My doctor says that if I can get pregnant that will help with the "possible" endometriosis. Who knows. I don't know what to believe anymore!

Wish us babydust!

Blessings!

Extremely Random and Hurting

2008-08-17T19:33:00.005-04:00

Vacation was wonderful. I go back to work tomorrow. It really stinks! I worked in my classroom for a combined 10 hours on Thursday and Friday. It's almost completely ready to go!

I'm not pregnant again, but I really wasn't surprised. I didn't even cry. Go figure. After almost 2 years of being disappointed each and every month, I guess you just get used to it. Next month will be 2 years since we miscarried the twins. We are currently saving money and praying about when to do the IUI. I'm still not sure if I should do the surgery first. Any thoughts?

My life has been pure crap since April. My uncle died unexpectedly. Then, last Saturday my great uncle died on my mom's side of the family. Last night, my aunt died. I'm just wondering when all of the crap is gonna stop happening to our family. I feel like ever since I started teaching crap has happened each year.

Let's examine more closely:
1st year: my Grandfather dies, my husband donates kidney to my dad, my dad has a pancreas transplant somehow gets a mysterious fungus and almost dies not once, but twice

2nd year: a very crappy year at school. principal is hateful. other teachers are running the school instead of the principal.

3rd year: miscarriage, MIL has heart attack, I began going into depression
We move twice-once to live with the in-laws for 4 months until our house was completed, and then finally into our new house.

4th year: grandmother gets remarried (wasn't sure about this at the time, but it's ok now), uncle passes, diagnosed with possible endometriosis

5th year (hasn't even started yet--starts tomorrow): Great uncle dies, Aunt dies (she's much better off now--has been sick for a VERY long time)

See what I mean? It's been pure crap. But the good news is I know God has a plan for all of this stuff. He brought me out of my depression thanks to Caleb Ministries counseling at church. My husband and I are a lot closer now than we've ever been before. I look at the world through different eyes than I used to. I used to look at the world through rose colored glasses. Now I see that bad things do happen to good people. It's unfair, but it's life. I love getting to read all of your blogs. When you become pregnant or have babies, I smile. I'm so happy for all of you. When you miscarry or are not pregnant yet again, I'm sad for you. Your joy is my joy. Your pain is my pain. I've been there, so I know how much it hurts. One day I hope to experience the joy that several of you have or are experiencing. Keep my family in your prayers as we have the receiving of friends tomorrow night and the funeral on Tuesday.

Please continue to pray for N and me. We just don't know what to do. Once we raise the money for the IUI, we don't want to jump right on it unless it's the right time. We don't want to blow the money. We're definitely not made out of money; I'm a teacher and N's a youth pastor. Clearly we are not loaded! Barely making it most months. N took another job just to help with the saving part.

Wow that was a completely random post. I did not know all of that was going to come out of me! Sorry. But if you made it this far, I hope you will pray for us!

On Vacation!

2008-08-01T19:42:00.002-04:00

My hubby and I are officially on Vacation until next Saturday. We'll be lying on the beach and playing in the ocean! I can't wait to leave in the morning. Hopefully this will help get my mind off of the 2WW. We are still unsure whether to start IUI next cycle or wait...just waiting on God to show us what He wants us to do! Blessings!

Not PG!

2008-07-15T13:27:00.002-04:00

AF showed up on Sunday morning...23 days late! I guess all those pregnancy tests weren't wrong. I'm excited that we now get to try IUI. I'm hoping and praying for multiples! Now just to find the time to do it! I don't have much time or battery life left on the laptop...no plug ins in the woods! Camp is going great so far. Hope all is well with all of you!

Blessings!

I decided to wait...

2008-07-11T18:30:00.002-04:00

I took 2 more pregnancy tests...both were negative. I'm hoping that maybe my hormones are just a little sluggish. One of my friends told me that with her first child, hpt's didn't start saying she was pg until she was 30 days late. Who knows? Either way, I don't guess anything's hurting with me not starting. We're leaving for camp in the morning and won't return until Friday. I couldn't have started an IUI cycle anyway this time. So I guess I'm just gonna wait it out a little while longer and see what happens. I'm 21 days late today. I'm just gonna pray that maybe, just maybe, there's something brewing in there! Who knows? God could be testing me (yet again) to see how patient I'll be. Pray for many souls at camp this week. There will be over 200 students (middle and high) at our camp. Blessings!

Could I Be?

2008-07-08T12:08:00.002-04:00

So AF is 18 days late. I've taken 2 pregnancy tests one last week and one the week before. Both BFN. My DH and I were waiting to start our first round of IUIs. Should I just wait it out or should I go see the dr.? I need your opinions ladies. Have any of you been this late and not been pregnant? I'm sure that happens but I've never been this late before. I've been 15 days late before but that was 1.5-2 years ago (a few months after the miscarriage). For the past 1-1.5 years my period has been on time or from anywhere to 1-5 days late. AF last started on May 23rd. Believe me my hopes are not up. I just want to know why my body is not cooperating. If I am PG, that would be wonderful, but if not, we can start the IUI process. I need feedback!

Casey

Endometriosis anyone?

2008-06-13T18:24:00.002-04:00

Just got back from the RE....it looks like I might have a mild case of endometriosis. It's either that or fluid from ovulation. It looks like if I'm not pregnant this cycle, then we are going to start IUIs. Not real thrilled about that. I don't know how I'm going to afford it. Has anyone been through that? My mind is just buzzing with thoughts and possibilities. I'm extremely emotional right now. The thought of endo had crossed my mind, but my OB never mentioned it. I'm just so confused. The only good news out of this is that my hubby is healthy.

Did I mention if I'm not pregnant within the first 3 tries of IUI's then we do surgery? Boy what great news I got at the RE's today. I'm just down in the dumps.

Pray for me and my hubby during this time.

Appointment with the RE

2008-06-03T16:15:00.002-04:00

So I've finally made an appointment with the RE. I feel like it's finally official...were INFERTILE. I've known that we were for months now, but now it seems so official. To catch some of you up, my DH and I miscarried twins 20 months ago. We immediately jumped right back on the horse and have been trying ever since. We've been through the sperm analysis, Progesterone screening, thyroid screening, 4 months of Letrazole, an HSG, and probably other things that I'm forgetting. It just seems that this is the most logical next step. I know that God is in charge of all of this, but I also know that he uses doctors and science to accomplish tasks. I don't know how far we should go with the RE. We know that we do not want to do IVF, but we're unsure about other options. I hope I won't feel any worse after going. I go next Friday afternoon (June 13). So what happens at the 1st visit to an RE? I have no clue! Please fill me in!

I saw my new nephew again on Sunday. I started crying on the way home. It still hurts. Let's face it...they have a child and I don't. I'm happy for them, but it still hurts (especially when MIL says things like "this is my first grandbaby"...I want to say "This may be your 1st grandbaby that's alive and well but I was pregnant 1st. You have twins in Heaven.") I think they forget that it still hurts. She never went through any miscarriages or problems with pregnancy, so she doesn't understand. It also hurts when my DH was holding him and a neighbor asked if he was the father. I thought my DH was going to cry. I'm so tired of all of the hoopla concerning the baby. He's cute...we get it...move on. I know I'm being selfish, but I just want to know how long this is going to hurt. I really thought this counseling stuff was helping. I know it is, but sometimes I just have bad days.

On a more positive note, my anniversary is Thursday. We've been married for 4 years! No plans have been made (that we can afford anyway). I have lots of ideas, but no money to actually do them! Have I mentioned how much the gas price rocketing has hurt us financially?? It's awful. I know this is nothing that any of you are going through. We're all going through it, but it's leaving us with very little extra money to do fun stuff! It's even been hard to pay the bills a few months! But with God's grace, we're making it! I hope you all have a blessed day!

AF is here...

2008-05-24T12:32:00.002-04:00

Well the title says it all. AF showed up last night 4 days late. Oh well...guess I'll have to go see the RE now. I was hoping to get PG this month so I wouldn't have to visit him.

The DH and I were going to go camping last night, but since AF showed up, we decided to wait. Hopefully we can go camping next weekend. We'll see!

Can we say "OUCH"?!?!?!?

2008-05-23T12:37:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm several days past the day AF was supposed to come visit. I'm not getting my hopes up yet. I've gone 15 days past before and nothing. The good news is I had my HSG several weeks ago. The doc said everything looks good. Did anyone else have as much pain as I did? Those "cervix pinchers" were awful!!! While I'm laying there in excrutiating pain, I heard my doc and the radiologist both say "Man, they're long!" I'm just wondering what's long??? So my doc finished up and says to me "everything looks great, but you have long fallopian tubes!" Anybody else have long tubes?? The technician scared my DH to death. She came to get him from the waiting room so the doc could talk to both of us, but he said she didn't look too happy! Anyway, everything is normal (except for my long tubes!!!). I ask the doc if that would prevent us from getting pg. He said "no". So who knows. We got pregnant once before so hopefully it will happen again really soon! Just finished my Infertility/Miscarriage counseling at church last week. I'm so glad we did that. I was so depressed my DH was extremely worried. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I barely wanted to get off the couch. If anyone is interested in the bible study on infertility/miscarriage (also abortion). You can find information here: www.calebministries.org

These are sweet people. I personally know the founder. In fact, she's my counselor. She's been through it all, so she can really help you! Needless to say, my thought process has completely changed, I'm no longer depressed and I can hold my new nephew without feeling anger or resentment. He's awesome by the way! His name is Zach and he'll be 5 weeks old tomorrow! He's such a cutie! Anyway, I guess I should really get back to work. My husband wants to take me camping tonight(yes, in a tent)! We'll see how that goes. Last time it was a blast!

Blessings, all!

Lunch with a PG friend

2008-04-07T15:37:00.002-04:00

Well I had lunch with K today. It went very well. I was afraid that I might break down and cry but she's not that far along and not showing yet. We had a great time! We even agreed to get together over the summer (once school is out). It had probably been since August since we had seen each other and our schools are only about 3.5 miles apart! How sad! Anyway, my spirits seem to be up a little bit today. I guess only working half a day can do that to a person! I'm cooking a very romantic dinner for my DH tonight. He needs a night of relaxation.

It's Been A While...

2008-04-06T12:58:00.003-04:00

OK so I realize it's been a while since I blogged last...lots of things have happened. I have a new nephew who is almost here (less than a month now til the birth). Several more friends are having babies--I just found out about another one today. I'm still not pregnant. I am going to have an HSG on April 29th to make sure everything is open. If that is normal, Dr. K wants to send me to an RE. Not sure how I feel about that. We tried Letrozole (Femara) for 4 months. I was late 2 days the first 2 months, 5 days the 3rd month, and 3 days the 4th month. But still no pregnancy.

My husband and I started counseling a few weeks ago. This has been too much to deal with. There is a couple in my church who have a ministry to deal with Infertility, Abortion, stillbirth, miscarriage, etc. So we started meeting with them. It seems to be helping until I find out that someone else is pregnant. I know that God has a plan. His plan is perfect for me and my husband. ( Just like the way we were in a wedding together at age 4 as the miniature bride and groom at the same church we got married in?!?!?!?!) So I know God has the master plan, I just want to know if it EVER involves us getting pregnant. But we don't know and we can't know.

Another thing, is that today was my due date from my twins miscarriage. They would be 1 year old now. It's so sad. I'm supposed to have lunch with my friend tomorrow who just told me that she's expecting. She said she would love for us to be pregnant together. I would love that. But who knows. It may not be in God's master plan. Sometimes I wish I had control of the plan, but I know I would just mess everything up!

Frustrated...

2007-11-16T16:46:00.000-05:00

I'm so frustrated right now. I'm 13 days late but the pregnancy test still says negative. I'm ready to start my time of the month so I can get on my new medicine, but if my body won't work with me, how is all this supposed to work? If I'm truly not pregnant (according to the doctor there's no way I could have ovulated which means there's no way I could be pregnant), I wish aunt flow would just come on. I'm ready to get on this new medicine so hopefully I can start feeling better. I feel like I'm in major depression mode again. (another side effect of low progesterone). I don't want to talk to anyone especially Nathan. He just doesn't understand. I'm the one dealing with this, not him. I just need to feel good for one day. I feel like crap all the time. I'm always tired, my back always hurts, and I usually feel pretty cranky. I don't fall asleep easily nor do I sleep through the night. (Again, all more side effects of low progesterone.) I just want to feel better. I still want to be a mommy, but I want to feel better first!

Finally...an answer

2007-11-03T16:14:00.000-04:00

So I finally have an answer as to why I haven't been able to get pregnant. I have low progesterone, which regulates ovulation (among other things). I haven't been ovulating regularly. I guess the only reason I got pregnant to begin with the first time was I had only been off the pill for 1 1/2 months so I still had some progesterone in my system. But I didn't have enough to sustain the pregnancy. At least I know what's wrong now. The doctor is putting me on letrozole (sort of like Clomid) to help with regulation. We'll see how this goes. I feel a little better now knowing that it was not anything I was doing wrong that was keeping us from getting pregnant and also that I didn't do anything wrong to cause the miscarriage. It was just an imbalance of hormones and the fact that my progesterone level is low. My husband is fine after going through his test. That's another relief off our minds. Now on to the drugs and see if they work!

Life Goes On

2007-10-13T14:49:00.001-04:00

I feel a little better today. My husband and I are starting infertility testing. My doctor suggested 3 different tests to start out with. My husband will get tested first. Then I will get tested on the 25th of this month. If all that goes well, then I'll have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG for short). It's a dye test to make sure the sperm can actually reach the egg. It also will help clean out my tubes if there's anything blocking them. This test is quite pricey and insurance won't cover but just over half and that's after the deductible. I'm just praying that I can get pregnant before I have to have that one done. The only other advice he gave was just to continue taking my prenatal vitamin, eating healthy, and to exercise more. It's all a big waiting game. There's only a 20% chance you will get pregnant in any given month (and that's when you are in your 20's). That's not such great odds. But we did it once before so we know it's possible. Guess we'll just have to keep trying!

I had a long talk with my mother-in-law which made me feel a little better. I'm still sad about it, but I don't want to take away from their happiness either. I just hope they'll be sensitive to us during this time. I don't want them to look back on this time and blame us for everything. I want them to be happy. I remember how happy we were when we found out we were expecting. I just pray that God in His infinite wisdom has some plan that will eventually lead to us getting pregnant (hopefully sooner than later!) I would love for our children to be similar in age. We could take them and have their pictures made together. They could grow up to be great friends and wonderful playmates as children. All of my cousins were 4-5 years older than me so that made things extremely difficult. We managed but it would have been so much easier had we been closer in age.

So this is where I am. Things around me are going crazy. Everyone is pregnant or has had a baby in my family that's married except me. But no matter what, God is still my God, even if we don't get pregnant. He's no less or no more my God either way. Yes I'll be sad if we don't end up pregnant. But there's always adoption. I would love to do that anyway at some point. He's still awesome. And life goes on.

Life is so not fair

2007-10-09T17:05:00.000-04:00

So I found out on Sunday that my brother-in-law and his wife are pregnant. 10 1/2 weeks in fact. We spent all afternoon crying. I know that this is going to be hard for me and my husband to deal with at all the family functions. As a matter of fact, I told my husband that I would not be attending any functions until we are pregnant. I just don't think I can deal with all of the "happiness" while I'm still trying to deal with my sadness. People are so inconsiderate. Especially family. They say things like "it will happen, just give it time", "Be patient", etc. etc. But none of that makes me feel any better. Then they have the nerve to ask me if I'm pregnant. If and when I get pregnant again I will tell them when I good and ready feel like it! I'm still angry about my loss. I don't understand why everyone else around me can have babies except me! i have had 4 cousins give birth and several people at work and now my husband's brother and his wife are expecting too! Don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, but I'm still torn up about my loss and my infertility issues. I'm going to the doctor on Thursday for some testing. We'll see what happens then. I'm not looking forward to being poked and prodded. I just want to know if something is wrong. We got pregnant the first month we tried before and now it's been 13 months since the miscarriage. It's so frustrating every month to not be pregnant. I feel like all the intimate moments are just for "trying" to make a baby. Why does it seem to be so easy for everyone else? I wish others could feel what I feel. I wish they could just have a taste of my sorrow and sadness. Everyday I think about my twins that I lost. It's not fair. But I guess that's life.