And then there were 3!

So we now have 3 foster children living in our home. We have an almost 11 month old baby girl, a 4.5 year old boy and an almost 3 year old boy. The boys are half brothers. the girl is unrelated. These are the same little boys we've had. We got the baby in September when she was 7 months old. We still hope to be able to adopt. Things are still a roller coaster with the boys...not sure what is going to happen with them. We go back to court in February.

As I was lying in bed last night, I started getting depressed again. I just don't understand why it's so hard for us to become permanent parents. The boys' parents have had 1.5 years to get their act together but just can't seem to. Yet, the judge keeps giving them more and more time. Obviously they don't care about their children like we do, so just sign them over already. I know this is me being very selfish. But if I were their mother, I would have done what I needed to do a long time ago.

As for the baby, she is so precious. It has always been our dream to have a little girl. Her mother is very young and doesn't know what she's doing. The baby's grandfather is pushing his daughter to get her back. She doesn't seem to be that interested. Honestly, if the grandfather weren't in the picture, I believe she would sign over her rights.

I just don't understand what is taking so long. We're still off the pill as we have been for almost 5 years now. The miscarriage was over 4.5 years ago. Still no pregnancy since. To be completely honest, I still would like to give birth to a baby. Our baby, but I don't know if that's in the Lord's plan or not. A baby that can't be taken away from us and given back to it's birth mother/father. I believe I would be very happy adopting these 3 children. (I don't know how we would ever afford it though!!!) But I still think there would be a sense of loss or longing there. I long so deeply to be a birth mommy. I dream about what mine and my husband's children will look like, although I don't know if we'll ever get to see "our" child.

Our friends that are fostering, have already had 2 of their children cleared for adoption and a 3rd child is just a blink away. Another set of friends are very close as well, but it seems as though we'll be on this ride forever.

Part of me is just ready to STOP fostering. Part of me would like to do it for a while. I'm just ready to be off the roller coaster. One month it looks like we might get the kids, the next month, they might go back. It's so disheartening. Please pray for our family. I'm ready to have children that can't be taken away (through adoption or birth). Some days it's just so hard. I feel like I'm so down in the dumps, but I'm very glad to be their mother for this short time. Who knows, maybe it will be permanent; then again, maybe not. Only time will tell.

And then there were two...

Wow...it's been a while! I don't know if anyone even still reads this thing. But here's an update! I've been extremely busy with my 2 boys! We got A's younger brother back at the end of January. So now we have a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old. Things are crazy but in a good way! They are both precious! The BM has started doing some things to try to get them back...who knows if she'll continue or not. Part of me wants them to go back to her and part of me wants to adopt them and be able to call them my sons. My husband and I both feel this way. We feel that God has prepared us for the best either way. Whatever God wants, is best for us anyway! They are both very loving boys and very active. I only thought I was busy before kids! But I wouldn't have it any other way! Hopefully it won't be months before the next update!

Blessings!

Finally a mommy...sort of!

We have a foster child, A! He is a sweet little boy. We've had him for about 2 weeks now. He is very well mannered, good natured, and listens! He is 3 years old. We may get his little brother, C at some point. He is 1.5 years old. The ultimate goal is for reunification with his parents, but I'm still praying that maybe we'll get to adopt him! I'm really not getting my hopes up though. Although, it does look like he will be with us for a while!

Wow....It's been a while

So it's been a while since I've blogged. Lots going on here. We finished our fostering/adoption classes. We've been trying to get all of our paperwork together so we can have the fire inspection and the home study. Found out that my cousin and his wife are expecting again. I'm happy for them though. N and I are trying again. We haven't been trying for probably 6 months, but we haven't been preventing anything either. I'm using OV kits. So far it doesn't look like I've ovulated. Not sure what's going on with that. Either it's just a really loooooong cycle or I'm not going to ovulate. Taking the 6 months off was definitely worth it. We really enjoyed just being together. Not having to say "ok, it's time now!!" That got old pretty quick. It seems like just about everyone on here that I follow has either adopted or had a baby. Congrats to all of you. I'm still praying for my turn. Found out about a month ago that my grandfather has lung cancer. Yep...from all those years of smoking. He did stop smoking a few years back but it was too late. Did I mention he's already in stage 4??? I so want to have at least 1 kid before he passes, but that's not looking too good either. I know God's timing is perfect...it just doesn't seem that way to me!! But when and if we get pregnant, God will get all the glory. After all, it's nothing we've done!! I'm so ready to adopt as well. Not looking as forward to fostering. I'm just hoping and praying that the first one we get will be the one we adopt!! I have a feeling that we won't get pregnant until we adopt. I think God is testing us maybe. He wants to see if we will follow through with what He told us to do. Who knows, I may be way off with that one. Only God knows! God's ways are definitely higher than mine.

Onto other news, I'm having back spasms. My back hurts so bad, it hurts to move. This is the second time this has happened since my last post! I'm drugged up with pain patches and muscle relaxers!!

And even more news (not that anyone ever reads this thing anyway--especially since I'm a horrible blogger!!), we have finally started working on our back yard. We had 2 trees planted last week and this week (hopefully) we are going to lay or begin laying our stone patio. It's going to be sooooo nice!! I can't wait until it's finished!

God bless!
Casey

Only 4 classes to go...

Wow have we been busy! We only have 4 adoption classes left. We've been to the first 6 already. They have been very informative (some of it is too much info!!!). Some topics you just wouldn't think of. Every Tuesday night for 10 weeks straight we meet from 6-9:00 PM. It is 30 hours work of MAPP training. We will also be getting our fostering license, although I don't know if we will foster. We would just like to adopt. The ladies in charge say that it's much easier to adopt once you've fostered, especially if the child you're fostering becomes available for adoption. However, having said that, my DH and I would like to adopt a baby. A lot of times babies come with older siblings. I asked my DH how many he would like to adopt this 1st time and he said "I was thinking one." So....I was thinking 1 or 2. Especially if the older sibling isn't more than 3 years old. Who knows what God has planned for us. I'm still praying for a miracle in the baby making department if you know what I mean. We aren't preventing anything (not that there's anything to prevent- we've been off the pill since May of 2006), but we're not really trying either. Just having fun...trying not to think about whether what we're doing at any particular moment could create a small miracle in my womb. Wink wink:)

Did I mention I love my DH? He is the most amazing and incredible man I know. Our relationship has only grown stronger and we've grown MUCH closer since we've gone through all of this CRAP! Not that I'm happy about the miscarriage or the infertility, but I can honestly say that I will never regret the growth in our marriage. He is such an incredible husband!

The results are in...

The surgery went well. The dr. found a small amount of endometriosis (I'm not sure where yet). There was no scar tissue left in my uterus from the miscarriage. This is something I was and have been extremely concerned about because we chose not to have a D&C after the miscarriage. I guess I made the right decision. He also found something unusual. One of my fallopian tubes was tucked behind my bowels. He said I must have been born this way. He moved it back in the appropriate location. He said he's since this a few other times. Some of the ladies got pregnant immediately after moving the tube, some did not. So I'm at home, drugged up on pain meds. On another positive note, I signed my hubby and I up for adoption classes. They start in January. I'm sooooo excited about adopting! Who knows we may end up with a couple of babies next year!!!!
Pray that the recovery goes well...I'm hurting more in my neck than anywhere else right now. I guess it's the way they had me during surgery. I'm really only hurting in my stomach when I cough, move, or laugh! My throat hurts a lot (from the tube) and I'm coughing and my voice is very scratchy. But other than those things and being out of it...I'm doing ok. I guess I'm really doing better than I thought I would be. I've heard the 2nd day after surgery is the worst--look out tomorrow! Hopefully I'll be ok.

Blessings!

Surgery Day is Here...

Well I guess the title explains it all. My surgery (laparoscopy and hysteroscopy) are today at 1:00. Wish me luck! I'm already in pain from the cyst I had removed on my back last week. I thought little cyst, little incision. Boy was I wrong. I have a 3 inch incision sewn up in three layers. Can we say ouch!!! Anyway, I guess after today we'll know what we're really dealing with in the infertility department. Hopefully good news! I signed DH and I up for our adoption classes last week. They start in January. I'm excited about that too.

Well, it's off to go pack an overnight bag (just in case). Wish me luck!

Blessings!

OK...so here's what's up

My hubby and I have decided to pursue the adoption route. We are not giving up on TTC. In fact, we are going to continue with it. I'm going to have lap surgery right before Christmas to check for possible endo or other things that may be going on down there. Hopefully, we'll have good news OR they can zap what's in there. Then, we will try a couple more rounds of IUIs.

We feel that God has really led us in the adoption direction, but we don't feel like He's saying don't TTC. It's really a neat story, but it's long and I really don't feel like typing all of that tonight. Maybe some other time.

Jill is having a giveaway of her favorite things. Go visit her site and enter. You only have until tomorrow night! So hurry!

Well...I know it's been a while....

I've been in hiding. I've kept up with all of you, but I didn't want to be around. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I feel like I might be going back into a depression, but I'm fighting it hard. It may be the change of seasons or just because of our situation or both.

Today is going to be a tough day for me. We are having a family portrait of my DH's family (just the kids and grandkid)...it's just another reminder that we STILL don't have kids. Our twins should be 1 1/2 old now. I wonder what they would be like??? Too cute to imagine I guess.

Anyway, we're trying to decide what to do. I can do one more IUI and then if it doesn't work have the laproscopic surgery for the possible endo in December. But here's my problem. It turns out that my insurance did pay for all but $140 of the IUI. They didn't bill it as an IUI. They billed it as office visit, supplies, etc. That doesn't sound like a problem, right? It's actually very good. Here's my dilemma. I only have $5000 lifetime fertility insurance coverage. I have around $3200 left. If I have the lap surgery, will it be billed as fertility? I hope not. If not, then I can still have other IUI's. If so, that may be all we can do.

Does anyone know how the surgery would be billed?

I'm just wondering who all follows my blog. If you do, could you please leave a quick comment so that I can start following yours if I'm not already. I'm already following 43 blogs, what's a few more! I'm very faithful. I read everyone's blogs EVERYDAY!!! I love keeping up with each of you and your journey through this horrible thing. Most of the time you give me hope. I celebrate when you have success and cry when there is failure. So please leave a comment, so I can get to know more of you. Thanks!

Blessings!

Casey

No...BFN...

I feel myself going backward back into the depression. I knew this time would be the hardest negative to take so far. But after 25, you think we'd be used to it. I feel like this was our last option. We have no money for IVF, another IUI, adoption, etc. I have $50 in my savings account. We're broke. So I guess it will be just me and N for a little while longer. I don't think we'll ever have a baby. I may not be on here for a while.

Blessings to you (but not to me)

Well...

I took a test this morning and it was negative. I know it could still be too early (even though it has been exactly 14dpiui. I used a dollar test that I had. I don't know how good those are anyway. I guess I'll still have my beta done next week unless AF rears her ugly head. I really hope the test was wrong or it's too early. I can't have a negative result again. This will be 26 negative results in a row for us. I told my husband that I'm terrified it's going to be negative. I'm even more terrified that it's going to be positive. We've only had one positive result ever (but that only lasted 9 weeks), so that would be fairly new territory. I'm even more scared that it will be positive but end up being a tubal pregnancy or I'll have a miscarriage. I remember praying after my miscarriage that God would not allow me to get pregnant unless I was going to carry the baby to term and it be healthy. I just don't think I could handle another miscarriage. I went into a deep depression that lasted 1.5 years with the last one.

Has anyone else taken a test the day 14dpiui and it be negative but then have the beta be positive? I'm still trying to have hope and faith, but it's really hard. I'm sort of down in the dumps now. I knew I shouldn't have taken that test this morning!

I hope all is going well for all of you!

Blessings!

The wait is killing me!

This 2ww is about to kill me! I just want to know if we wasted over $800 (so far-I haven't received all of the bills yet) or if we were successful. I so want to take a hpt, but I'm terrified of the results! I go in on Monday for the beta, but I don't know if I can wait that long!

Blessings!

We did it!

The IUI has been completed! DH started out with 78 million sperm and after washing and separating, we had 40 million to use! The dr. said all of those were high quality! He said he liked to see anything about 10-20 million. So that was excellent news! The IUI didn't hurt hardly at all. I just felt a little twinge when he put the catheter in. He said that my progesterone level was 1.5, which meant I had not ovulated yet, but would be ovulating in the next 6 hours. So we'll hope the little guys hang out and wait for my little eggs! I guess we'll know something in about 2 weeks! I start the progesterone on Wednesday!

Now it's off to my dad's surprise 50th birthday party!

Blessings!

We are still a go!

Today is CD12. I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. I have 2 follicles measuring 17 and 19. We have several other smaller follicles from 11 down to below 6. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back and give me the go-ahead. I think we will be doing the trigger shot tomorrow night and the IUI on Saturday morning. I'll update if it changes! Pray that all goes well!


P.S. Today's visit was night and day from the last one. Everyone was super nice and the dr. even took time to answer my questions!


Blessings!

We are a go!

We are a go for this cycle (for now anyways!). I go back on Oct. 1 to make sure everything is still ok. I told the nurse when she called with my results that I do not EVER want to see that dr. again. She kept apologizing and said that next time I would see a different dr. But it's still not MY dr. Anyone else have this problem at the RE? You see your own dr. the first time, but after that, you see every other dr in the place? Hopefully my dr. can do the IUI!

Blessings!

On our way to the dr.

Update:

It has not been a good morning. The Dr. was very short with me (not my usual doctor). She maybe spent 2 minutes in there if that and did an ultrasound during that time. She babbled something about PCOS on the right ovary. Yeah! Another thing to deal with. But she never asked if I had any questions or anything. I just wanted to cry. My husband said "I really hate those ultrasound machines. We never get good news when one is used. Maybe if this works, I can start to like them again." It made me feel so bad for him. So they gave me my prescriptions and said they would call me with my lab results. I guess I'll know if we get to start this thing later on today. My hubby and I went out into the parking lot and I just cried. He told me that he never wanted me to see that Dr. again. She was almost rude. I really hope that something positive (a baby) can come from this. I guess she assumed that I had been there before for the same thing several times. She didn't even bother to explain anything. I had to ask the nurse on the way out what to do. When the dr left, she didn't say get dressed or anything. She just handed my hubby the chart and walked out. I really dislike her. I will definitely request to never see her again. I really felt like a number and like I didn't matter at all. I don't think my words can do this situation justice. It was crappy!

On the way home a rock flew up and chipped my windshield. What a lovely day. I'm getting ready to go to work now. I don't even want to. I just want to get back in my pj's and cry for the rest of the day. But oh well! I'm a big girl and I have to go to work so I can pay for my 3 prescriptions that I will pick up this afternoon. They will probably be at least $130.00. I'm used to my $10.00 copay! I guess that's all going out the window too!

I hope you all have a great day. I will post again when I have another update.

N and I are on our way to see the RE this morning. Hopefully everything will be ok and we can get started on this journey! I'll update you when I know more.

I did it!

AF arrived this morning 8 days late, but she arrived nonetheless. I made the call to the RE's office this morning to start the IUI process. Now I'm just waiting for a call back.

I have been sick the past 2 days...still not feeling well today. Not sure what's going on. Either a virus of some sort or a mild case of food poisoning. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.

Blessings!

Well...Here we go!

As soon as AF shows up, my hubby and I have decided to move forward with the IUI. She was supposed to appear on Friday, but has neglected to show up so far. I do not get my hopes up about being pg when she is late. You must remember that I was once 23 days late, with no BFP! So a few days doesn't mean anything to me. For those of you who have gone through an IUI, please leave me a comment as to what to expect. I'm a little scared that it will hurt very badly. I had an HSG done back in April and it was extremely painful. Can we say cervix clamp? That was the only thing that was painful, the rest was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I pray he doesn't use a cervix clamp for this, but I guess if it's necessary, I will endure it once again. Anyone else had a cervix clamp used on them?

Please leave comments and let me know if you read my blog, I would love to know who all of you are! Also, if you've gone through an IUI, please let me know what to expect. Thanks so much!

Blessings!

My hubby is amazing!

My DH left me a message on the bathroom mirror the morning after the anniversary of our miscarriage. I got to see it when I came home that night. It said:

C,
I love you with all of my heart.
One day I know that God will bless us with a child and you will be the best mom in the whole world. I pray for you daily and can't wait for that day!
N


Is he not precious? By the way, the message was written in dry erase marker. That is a great way to leave your spouse or kids notes, or to remind yourself of something. Just make sure that it is a dry erase marker and it will come off easily!

If I'm not pregnant (AF should arrive sometime this weekend), then I think we are going to go ahead with the IUI. I spoke with the RE's office yesterday and got a lot of my questions answered. I'm still hoping that I'm pregnant now so I don't have to spend all of that money!

Blessings!

Tomorrow is the day...

Tomorrow will be two years since our little angels went to Heaven. I'm sure none of my family will even remember this date. I'm so glad my hubby is not working tomorrow night so he can be home with me. I thought about taking the day off tomorrow, but I decided that if I can keep my mind off of it, that would probably be best. Even if I am emotional tomorrow (which is expected), it cannot compare to last Thursday.

I feel a lot better now. Thanks so much for your kind words and words of encouragement. I feel like you ladies truly care more than my hubby's side of the family. Seeing how none of them has ever gone through a miscarriage, you can understand why.

That's why I love our little blogger world. We all can relate. We can share our feelings without anyone getting upset or thinking little of us. I read so many blogs everyday. I feel like sometimes I spend more time in "blogger world" than I do with my own hubby. That's not true of course, but sometimes it feels that way.

When I came home today, I walked into the kitchen to find that a salad plate and a salad bowl from my fine china had fallen off the china cabinet. Yep, you guessed it, they were both broken! A dinner plate was on top of them but was not harmed. Hmmm....I wonder how this could have happened. DH and I were both at work, the dog was outside...the only one left...the cat! I got on to him pretty good, but then I felt bad (just in case he had nothing to do with it) and picked him up and cuddled him. Needless to say he's scared of me right now. The strange thing is that we have a glass break on our Alarm system that is right by the china cabinet, but the alarm never went off...gotta get that checked out.

Did I ever mention that I teach middle school? Well let's just say today was a very interesting day. My classes were all good, my observation went excellent, and the excitement started at the end of the day. Evidently there was some DRAMA that started over the weekend between some middle school and high school boys. Some HS boys were suspended today and they decided that they would come to our school and jump some of our middle school boys. Not going to tell you the whole story. It was all handled and everyone is ok. But there will be charges pressed against the HS boys who came to our school. There was also more drama down the road with guns supposedly and they had to call the cops out, get the football, softball, and cross country teams out of harms way before they could take care of this situation. Did I mention I teach middle school inside the city limits...an IN.NER CI.TY SCHO.OL!!!! Yes things were quite interesting. Our principal told us that we needed to be proactive tomorrow just in case something else happened.

See what all ya'll miss by not teaching middle school. There's always a story to tell.

Blessings!