Frustrated...

I'm so frustrated right now. I'm 13 days late but the pregnancy test still says negative. I'm ready to start my time of the month so I can get on my new medicine, but if my body won't work with me, how is all this supposed to work? If I'm truly not pregnant (according to the doctor there's no way I could have ovulated which means there's no way I could be pregnant), I wish aunt flow would just come on. I'm ready to get on this new medicine so hopefully I can start feeling better. I feel like I'm in major depression mode again. (another side effect of low progesterone). I don't want to talk to anyone especially Nathan. He just doesn't understand. I'm the one dealing with this, not him. I just need to feel good for one day. I feel like crap all the time. I'm always tired, my back always hurts, and I usually feel pretty cranky. I don't fall asleep easily nor do I sleep through the night. (Again, all more side effects of low progesterone.) I just want to feel better. I still want to be a mommy, but I want to feel better first!

Finally...an answer

So I finally have an answer as to why I haven't been able to get pregnant. I have low progesterone, which regulates ovulation (among other things). I haven't been ovulating regularly. I guess the only reason I got pregnant to begin with the first time was I had only been off the pill for 1 1/2 months so I still had some progesterone in my system. But I didn't have enough to sustain the pregnancy. At least I know what's wrong now. The doctor is putting me on letrozole (sort of like Clomid) to help with regulation. We'll see how this goes. I feel a little better now knowing that it was not anything I was doing wrong that was keeping us from getting pregnant and also that I didn't do anything wrong to cause the miscarriage. It was just an imbalance of hormones and the fact that my progesterone level is low. My husband is fine after going through his test. That's another relief off our minds. Now on to the drugs and see if they work!

Life Goes On

I feel a little better today. My husband and I are starting infertility testing. My doctor suggested 3 different tests to start out with. My husband will get tested first. Then I will get tested on the 25th of this month. If all that goes well, then I'll have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG for short). It's a dye test to make sure the sperm can actually reach the egg. It also will help clean out my tubes if there's anything blocking them. This test is quite pricey and insurance won't cover but just over half and that's after the deductible. I'm just praying that I can get pregnant before I have to have that one done. The only other advice he gave was just to continue taking my prenatal vitamin, eating healthy, and to exercise more. It's all a big waiting game. There's only a 20% chance you will get pregnant in any given month (and that's when you are in your 20's). That's not such great odds. But we did it once before so we know it's possible. Guess we'll just have to keep trying!

I had a long talk with my mother-in-law which made me feel a little better. I'm still sad about it, but I don't want to take away from their happiness either. I just hope they'll be sensitive to us during this time. I don't want them to look back on this time and blame us for everything. I want them to be happy. I remember how happy we were when we found out we were expecting. I just pray that God in His infinite wisdom has some plan that will eventually lead to us getting pregnant (hopefully sooner than later!) I would love for our children to be similar in age. We could take them and have their pictures made together. They could grow up to be great friends and wonderful playmates as children. All of my cousins were 4-5 years older than me so that made things extremely difficult. We managed but it would have been so much easier had we been closer in age.

So this is where I am. Things around me are going crazy. Everyone is pregnant or has had a baby in my family that's married except me. But no matter what, God is still my God, even if we don't get pregnant. He's no less or no more my God either way. Yes I'll be sad if we don't end up pregnant. But there's always adoption. I would love to do that anyway at some point. He's still awesome. And life goes on.

Life is so not fair

So I found out on Sunday that my brother-in-law and his wife are pregnant. 10 1/2 weeks in fact. We spent all afternoon crying. I know that this is going to be hard for me and my husband to deal with at all the family functions. As a matter of fact, I told my husband that I would not be attending any functions until we are pregnant. I just don't think I can deal with all of the "happiness" while I'm still trying to deal with my sadness. People are so inconsiderate. Especially family. They say things like "it will happen, just give it time", "Be patient", etc. etc. But none of that makes me feel any better. Then they have the nerve to ask me if I'm pregnant. If and when I get pregnant again I will tell them when I good and ready feel like it! I'm still angry about my loss. I don't understand why everyone else around me can have babies except me! i have had 4 cousins give birth and several people at work and now my husband's brother and his wife are expecting too! Don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, but I'm still torn up about my loss and my infertility issues. I'm going to the doctor on Thursday for some testing. We'll see what happens then. I'm not looking forward to being poked and prodded. I just want to know if something is wrong. We got pregnant the first month we tried before and now it's been 13 months since the miscarriage. It's so frustrating every month to not be pregnant. I feel like all the intimate moments are just for "trying" to make a baby. Why does it seem to be so easy for everyone else? I wish others could feel what I feel. I wish they could just have a taste of my sorrow and sadness. Everyday I think about my twins that I lost. It's not fair. But I guess that's life.