Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The results are in...

The surgery went well. The dr. found a small amount of endometriosis (I'm not sure where yet). There was no scar tissue left in my uterus from the miscarriage. This is something I was and have been extremely concerned about because we chose not to have a D&C after the miscarriage. I guess I made the right decision. He also found something unusual. One of my fallopian tubes was tucked behind my bowels. He said I must have been born this way. He moved it back in the appropriate location. He said he's since this a few other times. Some of the ladies got pregnant immediately after moving the tube, some did not. So I'm at home, drugged up on pain meds. On another positive note, I signed my hubby and I up for adoption classes. They start in January. I'm sooooo excited about adopting! Who knows we may end up with a couple of babies next year!!!!
Pray that the recovery goes well...I'm hurting more in my neck than anywhere else right now. I guess it's the way they had me during surgery. I'm really only hurting in my stomach when I cough, move, or laugh! My throat hurts a lot (from the tube) and I'm coughing and my voice is very scratchy. But other than those things and being out of it...I'm doing ok. I guess I'm really doing better than I thought I would be. I've heard the 2nd day after surgery is the worst--look out tomorrow! Hopefully I'll be ok.


Monday, December 22, 2008

Surgery Day is Here...

Well I guess the title explains it all. My surgery (laparoscopy and hysteroscopy) are today at 1:00. Wish me luck! I'm already in pain from the cyst I had removed on my back last week. I thought little cyst, little incision. Boy was I wrong. I have a 3 inch incision sewn up in three layers. Can we say ouch!!! Anyway, I guess after today we'll know what we're really dealing with in the infertility department. Hopefully good news! I signed DH and I up for our adoption classes last week. They start in January. I'm excited about that too.

Well, it's off to go pack an overnight bag (just in case). Wish me luck!


Thursday, December 4, 2008

OK...so here's what's up

My hubby and I have decided to pursue the adoption route. We are not giving up on TTC. In fact, we are going to continue with it. I'm going to have lap surgery right before Christmas to check for possible endo or other things that may be going on down there. Hopefully, we'll have good news OR they can zap what's in there. Then, we will try a couple more rounds of IUIs.

We feel that God has really led us in the adoption direction, but we don't feel like He's saying don't TTC. It's really a neat story, but it's long and I really don't feel like typing all of that tonight. Maybe some other time.

Jill is having a giveaway of her favorite things. Go visit her site and enter. You only have until tomorrow night! So hurry!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Well...I know it's been a while....

I've been in hiding. I've kept up with all of you, but I didn't want to be around. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I feel like I might be going back into a depression, but I'm fighting it hard. It may be the change of seasons or just because of our situation or both.

Today is going to be a tough day for me. We are having a family portrait of my DH's family (just the kids and grandkid)...it's just another reminder that we STILL don't have kids. Our twins should be 1 1/2 old now. I wonder what they would be like??? Too cute to imagine I guess.

Anyway, we're trying to decide what to do. I can do one more IUI and then if it doesn't work have the laproscopic surgery for the possible endo in December. But here's my problem. It turns out that my insurance did pay for all but $140 of the IUI. They didn't bill it as an IUI. They billed it as office visit, supplies, etc. That doesn't sound like a problem, right? It's actually very good. Here's my dilemma. I only have $5000 lifetime fertility insurance coverage. I have around $3200 left. If I have the lap surgery, will it be billed as fertility? I hope not. If not, then I can still have other IUI's. If so, that may be all we can do.

Does anyone know how the surgery would be billed?

I'm just wondering who all follows my blog. If you do, could you please leave a quick comment so that I can start following yours if I'm not already. I'm already following 43 blogs, what's a few more! I'm very faithful. I read everyone's blogs EVERYDAY!!! I love keeping up with each of you and your journey through this horrible thing. Most of the time you give me hope. I celebrate when you have success and cry when there is failure. So please leave a comment, so I can get to know more of you. Thanks!



Monday, October 20, 2008


I feel myself going backward back into the depression. I knew this time would be the hardest negative to take so far. But after 25, you think we'd be used to it. I feel like this was our last option. We have no money for IVF, another IUI, adoption, etc. I have $50 in my savings account. We're broke. So I guess it will be just me and N for a little while longer. I don't think we'll ever have a baby. I may not be on here for a while.

Blessings to you (but not to me)

Saturday, October 18, 2008


I took a test this morning and it was negative. I know it could still be too early (even though it has been exactly 14dpiui. I used a dollar test that I had. I don't know how good those are anyway. I guess I'll still have my beta done next week unless AF rears her ugly head. I really hope the test was wrong or it's too early. I can't have a negative result again. This will be 26 negative results in a row for us. I told my husband that I'm terrified it's going to be negative. I'm even more terrified that it's going to be positive. We've only had one positive result ever (but that only lasted 9 weeks), so that would be fairly new territory. I'm even more scared that it will be positive but end up being a tubal pregnancy or I'll have a miscarriage. I remember praying after my miscarriage that God would not allow me to get pregnant unless I was going to carry the baby to term and it be healthy. I just don't think I could handle another miscarriage. I went into a deep depression that lasted 1.5 years with the last one.

Has anyone else taken a test the day 14dpiui and it be negative but then have the beta be positive? I'm still trying to have hope and faith, but it's really hard. I'm sort of down in the dumps now. I knew I shouldn't have taken that test this morning!

I hope all is going well for all of you!


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The wait is killing me!

This 2ww is about to kill me! I just want to know if we wasted over $800 (so far-I haven't received all of the bills yet) or if we were successful. I so want to take a hpt, but I'm terrified of the results! I go in on Monday for the beta, but I don't know if I can wait that long!


Saturday, October 4, 2008

We did it!

The IUI has been completed! DH started out with 78 million sperm and after washing and separating, we had 40 million to use! The dr. said all of those were high quality! He said he liked to see anything about 10-20 million. So that was excellent news! The IUI didn't hurt hardly at all. I just felt a little twinge when he put the catheter in. He said that my progesterone level was 1.5, which meant I had not ovulated yet, but would be ovulating in the next 6 hours. So we'll hope the little guys hang out and wait for my little eggs! I guess we'll know something in about 2 weeks! I start the progesterone on Wednesday!

Now it's off to my dad's surprise 50th birthday party!


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

We are still a go!

Today is CD12. I went in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. I have 2 follicles measuring 17 and 19. We have several other smaller follicles from 11 down to below 6. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back and give me the go-ahead. I think we will be doing the trigger shot tomorrow night and the IUI on Saturday morning. I'll update if it changes! Pray that all goes well!

P.S. Today's visit was night and day from the last one. Everyone was super nice and the dr. even took time to answer my questions!


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

We are a go!

We are a go for this cycle (for now anyways!). I go back on Oct. 1 to make sure everything is still ok. I told the nurse when she called with my results that I do not EVER want to see that dr. again. She kept apologizing and said that next time I would see a different dr. But it's still not MY dr. Anyone else have this problem at the RE? You see your own dr. the first time, but after that, you see every other dr in the place? Hopefully my dr. can do the IUI!


Monday, September 22, 2008

On our way to the dr.


It has not been a good morning. The Dr. was very short with me (not my usual doctor). She maybe spent 2 minutes in there if that and did an ultrasound during that time. She babbled something about PCOS on the right ovary. Yeah! Another thing to deal with. But she never asked if I had any questions or anything. I just wanted to cry. My husband said "I really hate those ultrasound machines. We never get good news when one is used. Maybe if this works, I can start to like them again." It made me feel so bad for him. So they gave me my prescriptions and said they would call me with my lab results. I guess I'll know if we get to start this thing later on today. My hubby and I went out into the parking lot and I just cried. He told me that he never wanted me to see that Dr. again. She was almost rude. I really hope that something positive (a baby) can come from this. I guess she assumed that I had been there before for the same thing several times. She didn't even bother to explain anything. I had to ask the nurse on the way out what to do. When the dr left, she didn't say get dressed or anything. She just handed my hubby the chart and walked out. I really dislike her. I will definitely request to never see her again. I really felt like a number and like I didn't matter at all. I don't think my words can do this situation justice. It was crappy!

On the way home a rock flew up and chipped my windshield. What a lovely day. I'm getting ready to go to work now. I don't even want to. I just want to get back in my pj's and cry for the rest of the day. But oh well! I'm a big girl and I have to go to work so I can pay for my 3 prescriptions that I will pick up this afternoon. They will probably be at least $130.00. I'm used to my $10.00 copay! I guess that's all going out the window too!

I hope you all have a great day. I will post again when I have another update.

N and I are on our way to see the RE this morning. Hopefully everything will be ok and we can get started on this journey! I'll update you when I know more.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I did it!

AF arrived this morning 8 days late, but she arrived nonetheless. I made the call to the RE's office this morning to start the IUI process. Now I'm just waiting for a call back.

I have been sick the past 2 days...still not feeling well today. Not sure what's going on. Either a virus of some sort or a mild case of food poisoning. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Well...Here we go!

As soon as AF shows up, my hubby and I have decided to move forward with the IUI. She was supposed to appear on Friday, but has neglected to show up so far. I do not get my hopes up about being pg when she is late. You must remember that I was once 23 days late, with no BFP! So a few days doesn't mean anything to me. For those of you who have gone through an IUI, please leave me a comment as to what to expect. I'm a little scared that it will hurt very badly. I had an HSG done back in April and it was extremely painful. Can we say cervix clamp? That was the only thing that was painful, the rest was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I pray he doesn't use a cervix clamp for this, but I guess if it's necessary, I will endure it once again. Anyone else had a cervix clamp used on them?

Please leave comments and let me know if you read my blog, I would love to know who all of you are! Also, if you've gone through an IUI, please let me know what to expect. Thanks so much!


Friday, September 12, 2008

My hubby is amazing!

My DH left me a message on the bathroom mirror the morning after the anniversary of our miscarriage. I got to see it when I came home that night. It said:

I love you with all of my heart.
One day I know that God will bless us with a child and you will be the best mom in the whole world. I pray for you daily and can't wait for that day!

Is he not precious? By the way, the message was written in dry erase marker. That is a great way to leave your spouse or kids notes, or to remind yourself of something. Just make sure that it is a dry erase marker and it will come off easily!

If I'm not pregnant (AF should arrive sometime this weekend), then I think we are going to go ahead with the IUI. I spoke with the RE's office yesterday and got a lot of my questions answered. I'm still hoping that I'm pregnant now so I don't have to spend all of that money!


Monday, September 8, 2008

Tomorrow is the day...

Tomorrow will be two years since our little angels went to Heaven. I'm sure none of my family will even remember this date. I'm so glad my hubby is not working tomorrow night so he can be home with me. I thought about taking the day off tomorrow, but I decided that if I can keep my mind off of it, that would probably be best. Even if I am emotional tomorrow (which is expected), it cannot compare to last Thursday.

I feel a lot better now. Thanks so much for your kind words and words of encouragement. I feel like you ladies truly care more than my hubby's side of the family. Seeing how none of them has ever gone through a miscarriage, you can understand why.

That's why I love our little blogger world. We all can relate. We can share our feelings without anyone getting upset or thinking little of us. I read so many blogs everyday. I feel like sometimes I spend more time in "blogger world" than I do with my own hubby. That's not true of course, but sometimes it feels that way.

When I came home today, I walked into the kitchen to find that a salad plate and a salad bowl from my fine china had fallen off the china cabinet. Yep, you guessed it, they were both broken! A dinner plate was on top of them but was not harmed. Hmmm....I wonder how this could have happened. DH and I were both at work, the dog was outside...the only one left...the cat! I got on to him pretty good, but then I felt bad (just in case he had nothing to do with it) and picked him up and cuddled him. Needless to say he's scared of me right now. The strange thing is that we have a glass break on our Alarm system that is right by the china cabinet, but the alarm never went off...gotta get that checked out.

Did I ever mention that I teach middle school? Well let's just say today was a very interesting day. My classes were all good, my observation went excellent, and the excitement started at the end of the day. Evidently there was some DRAMA that started over the weekend between some middle school and high school boys. Some HS boys were suspended today and they decided that they would come to our school and jump some of our middle school boys. Not going to tell you the whole story. It was all handled and everyone is ok. But there will be charges pressed against the HS boys who came to our school. There was also more drama down the road with guns supposedly and they had to call the cops out, get the football, softball, and cross country teams out of harms way before they could take care of this situation. Did I mention I teach middle school inside the city limits...an IN.NER CI.TY SCHO.OL!!!! Yes things were quite interesting. Our principal told us that we needed to be proactive tomorrow just in case something else happened.

See what all ya'll miss by not teaching middle school. There's always a story to tell.


Thursday, September 4, 2008

I feel so defeated

I feel so defeated today. I have done nothing but cry. My mother-in-law called this afternoon and wanted to know if we had done the IUI yet. She offered again to give us the money for it. We refused again. She said she doesn't want to seem like she's pushing. I feel like no one in our family cares. I know they do, but no one asks us how we're doing. For goodness sake, I'm still struggling with the loss of my babies.

It's been almost 2 years since our miscarriage of our twins (Sept. 9). We can't get pregnant on our own unless God intervenes. I've been through enough. Haven't I? I know some of you have been through so much more than me. In the Bible it says that God won't put more on us than we can bear. I feel as though I can't bear anymore. With all of the deaths in the past few months, I just can't take anymore. I would love to be pregnant this month without an IUI. I've prayed so much and for so long for a child. We've only saved about half of the money for the IUI. I was hoping to have 3/4 to 100% of it this month. But it didn't happen. I realize the month just started, but I'm a teacher and I only get paid once a month. My entire check is gone. Did I mention my husband is a youth pastor? Not much money coming in there.

As I sit here typing, I can't help but cry. I miss my twins so much. I feel like no one even cares about my babies. How can you miss someone so much that you never met? I can't explain it, but I have an incredibly large hole in my heart. Nothing can fill it. No amount of "I'm sorry's", "I love you's", or "It will be okay's" makes it feel better. I feel like such a failure. My parents and his parents want grandkids so badly. Lucky for his parents, they have an older son who gave them a child back in April, just a couple of weeks past the one year anniversary of my twins death. It still hurts so badly! I can't explain it. I just want to be a mommy so badly. My husband will be such a good dad. He's wonderful with kids. He talks about how he wants a little girl so much. It breaks my heart that I can't give her to him. He talks about when we have kids we'll... But in my heart I feel like I'll never be able to give him children. Everyone in our family still says "there's plenty of time, you're only 26." or "you'll have kids one day." So because I'm a little bit younger (I don't think 26 is too young to want a child---might I remind you that I am a middle school teacher and we have several young teenage girls who are pregnant right now. It kills me!) I'm expected to want a child less??? It doesn't make sense. As for the second statement, no one except for God knows if we will EVER have kids. We can't afford adoption or IVF. So if the IUI's don't work, I don't know what we'll do. Did I mention that my husband and I both have second jobs now to try to save the money for the procedure? I'm so exhausted when I get home from work, I don't want to do another job. He stays tired all the time and we are losing lots of valuable time together. I just wonder if all of this is worth it. Saving money for something that may or may not work. If it doesn't, i'll just feel like we threw $1200 out the window.

I'm sorry this post is SOOOO long. I really just needed to vent today. I can't stop crying. Please pray for me as I'm by myself (yet again) while my husband is at work for the next 3 hours. I hate this...I really do.

Blessings to you all.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Back to the grindstone!

Well the kids started back to school today. I have 130 students this year so far. I know this number will fluctuate all year. I have some talkers in a couple of my classes. I will definitely have to keep a tight leash on those classes, but overall I think it will be a great year! We are doing lots of new things this year and I'm very excited about it.

Nathan and I are going to "Try" again this week to get pregnant. We are saving money as fast as we can to do the IUI. He wants to try it first. My doctor says that if I can get pregnant that will help with the "possible" endometriosis. Who knows. I don't know what to believe anymore!

Wish us babydust!


Sunday, August 17, 2008

Extremely Random and Hurting

Vacation was wonderful. I go back to work tomorrow. It really stinks! I worked in my classroom for a combined 10 hours on Thursday and Friday. It's almost completely ready to go!

I'm not pregnant again, but I really wasn't surprised. I didn't even cry. Go figure. After almost 2 years of being disappointed each and every month, I guess you just get used to it. Next month will be 2 years since we miscarried the twins. We are currently saving money and praying about when to do the IUI. I'm still not sure if I should do the surgery first. Any thoughts?

My life has been pure crap since April. My uncle died unexpectedly. Then, last Saturday my great uncle died on my mom's side of the family. Last night, my aunt died. I'm just wondering when all of the crap is gonna stop happening to our family. I feel like ever since I started teaching crap has happened each year.

Let's examine more closely:
1st year: my Grandfather dies, my husband donates kidney to my dad, my dad has a pancreas transplant somehow gets a mysterious fungus and almost dies not once, but twice

2nd year: a very crappy year at school. principal is hateful. other teachers are running the school instead of the principal.

3rd year: miscarriage, MIL has heart attack, I began going into depression
We move twice-once to live with the in-laws for 4 months until our house was completed, and then finally into our new house.

4th year: grandmother gets remarried (wasn't sure about this at the time, but it's ok now), uncle passes, diagnosed with possible endometriosis

5th year (hasn't even started yet--starts tomorrow): Great uncle dies, Aunt dies (she's much better off now--has been sick for a VERY long time)

See what I mean? It's been pure crap. But the good news is I know God has a plan for all of this stuff. He brought me out of my depression thanks to Caleb Ministries counseling at church. My husband and I are a lot closer now than we've ever been before. I look at the world through different eyes than I used to. I used to look at the world through rose colored glasses. Now I see that bad things do happen to good people. It's unfair, but it's life. I love getting to read all of your blogs. When you become pregnant or have babies, I smile. I'm so happy for all of you. When you miscarry or are not pregnant yet again, I'm sad for you. Your joy is my joy. Your pain is my pain. I've been there, so I know how much it hurts. One day I hope to experience the joy that several of you have or are experiencing. Keep my family in your prayers as we have the receiving of friends tomorrow night and the funeral on Tuesday.

Please continue to pray for N and me. We just don't know what to do. Once we raise the money for the IUI, we don't want to jump right on it unless it's the right time. We don't want to blow the money. We're definitely not made out of money; I'm a teacher and N's a youth pastor. Clearly we are not loaded! Barely making it most months. N took another job just to help with the saving part.

Wow that was a completely random post. I did not know all of that was going to come out of me! Sorry. But if you made it this far, I hope you will pray for us!

Friday, August 1, 2008

On Vacation!

My hubby and I are officially on Vacation until next Saturday. We'll be lying on the beach and playing in the ocean! I can't wait to leave in the morning. Hopefully this will help get my mind off of the 2WW. We are still unsure whether to start IUI next cycle or wait...just waiting on God to show us what He wants us to do! Blessings!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Not PG!

AF showed up on Sunday morning...23 days late! I guess all those pregnancy tests weren't wrong. I'm excited that we now get to try IUI. I'm hoping and praying for multiples! Now just to find the time to do it! I don't have much time or battery life left on the laptop...no plug ins in the woods! Camp is going great so far. Hope all is well with all of you!


Friday, July 11, 2008

I decided to wait...

I took 2 more pregnancy tests...both were negative. I'm hoping that maybe my hormones are just a little sluggish. One of my friends told me that with her first child, hpt's didn't start saying she was pg until she was 30 days late. Who knows? Either way, I don't guess anything's hurting with me not starting. We're leaving for camp in the morning and won't return until Friday. I couldn't have started an IUI cycle anyway this time. So I guess I'm just gonna wait it out a little while longer and see what happens. I'm 21 days late today. I'm just gonna pray that maybe, just maybe, there's something brewing in there! Who knows? God could be testing me (yet again) to see how patient I'll be. Pray for many souls at camp this week. There will be over 200 students (middle and high) at our camp. Blessings!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Could I Be?

So AF is 18 days late. I've taken 2 pregnancy tests one last week and one the week before. Both BFN. My DH and I were waiting to start our first round of IUIs. Should I just wait it out or should I go see the dr.? I need your opinions ladies. Have any of you been this late and not been pregnant? I'm sure that happens but I've never been this late before. I've been 15 days late before but that was 1.5-2 years ago (a few months after the miscarriage). For the past 1-1.5 years my period has been on time or from anywhere to 1-5 days late. AF last started on May 23rd. Believe me my hopes are not up. I just want to know why my body is not cooperating. If I am PG, that would be wonderful, but if not, we can start the IUI process. I need feedback!


Friday, June 13, 2008

Endometriosis anyone?

Just got back from the RE....it looks like I might have a mild case of endometriosis. It's either that or fluid from ovulation. It looks like if I'm not pregnant this cycle, then we are going to start IUIs. Not real thrilled about that. I don't know how I'm going to afford it. Has anyone been through that? My mind is just buzzing with thoughts and possibilities. I'm extremely emotional right now. The thought of endo had crossed my mind, but my OB never mentioned it. I'm just so confused. The only good news out of this is that my hubby is healthy.

Did I mention if I'm not pregnant within the first 3 tries of IUI's then we do surgery? Boy what great news I got at the RE's today. I'm just down in the dumps.

Pray for me and my hubby during this time.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Appointment with the RE

So I've finally made an appointment with the RE. I feel like it's finally official...were INFERTILE. I've known that we were for months now, but now it seems so official. To catch some of you up, my DH and I miscarried twins 20 months ago. We immediately jumped right back on the horse and have been trying ever since. We've been through the sperm analysis, Progesterone screening, thyroid screening, 4 months of Letrazole, an HSG, and probably other things that I'm forgetting. It just seems that this is the most logical next step. I know that God is in charge of all of this, but I also know that he uses doctors and science to accomplish tasks. I don't know how far we should go with the RE. We know that we do not want to do IVF, but we're unsure about other options. I hope I won't feel any worse after going. I go next Friday afternoon (June 13). So what happens at the 1st visit to an RE? I have no clue! Please fill me in!

I saw my new nephew again on Sunday. I started crying on the way home. It still hurts. Let's face it...they have a child and I don't. I'm happy for them, but it still hurts (especially when MIL says things like "this is my first grandbaby"...I want to say "This may be your 1st grandbaby that's alive and well but I was pregnant 1st. You have twins in Heaven.") I think they forget that it still hurts. She never went through any miscarriages or problems with pregnancy, so she doesn't understand. It also hurts when my DH was holding him and a neighbor asked if he was the father. I thought my DH was going to cry. I'm so tired of all of the hoopla concerning the baby. He's cute...we get it...move on. I know I'm being selfish, but I just want to know how long this is going to hurt. I really thought this counseling stuff was helping. I know it is, but sometimes I just have bad days.

On a more positive note, my anniversary is Thursday. We've been married for 4 years! No plans have been made (that we can afford anyway). I have lots of ideas, but no money to actually do them! Have I mentioned how much the gas price rocketing has hurt us financially?? It's awful. I know this is nothing that any of you are going through. We're all going through it, but it's leaving us with very little extra money to do fun stuff! It's even been hard to pay the bills a few months! But with God's grace, we're making it! I hope you all have a blessed day!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

AF is here...

Well the title says it all. AF showed up last night 4 days late. Oh well...guess I'll have to go see the RE now. I was hoping to get PG this month so I wouldn't have to visit him.

The DH and I were going to go camping last night, but since AF showed up, we decided to wait. Hopefully we can go camping next weekend. We'll see!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Can we say "OUCH"?!?!?!?

Well, I'm several days past the day AF was supposed to come visit. I'm not getting my hopes up yet. I've gone 15 days past before and nothing. The good news is I had my HSG several weeks ago. The doc said everything looks good. Did anyone else have as much pain as I did? Those "cervix pinchers" were awful!!! While I'm laying there in excrutiating pain, I heard my doc and the radiologist both say "Man, they're long!" I'm just wondering what's long??? So my doc finished up and says to me "everything looks great, but you have long fallopian tubes!" Anybody else have long tubes?? The technician scared my DH to death. She came to get him from the waiting room so the doc could talk to both of us, but he said she didn't look too happy! Anyway, everything is normal (except for my long tubes!!!). I ask the doc if that would prevent us from getting pg. He said "no". So who knows. We got pregnant once before so hopefully it will happen again really soon! Just finished my Infertility/Miscarriage counseling at church last week. I'm so glad we did that. I was so depressed my DH was extremely worried. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I barely wanted to get off the couch. If anyone is interested in the bible study on infertility/miscarriage (also abortion). You can find information here: www.calebministries.org

These are sweet people. I personally know the founder. In fact, she's my counselor. She's been through it all, so she can really help you! Needless to say, my thought process has completely changed, I'm no longer depressed and I can hold my new nephew without feeling anger or resentment. He's awesome by the way! His name is Zach and he'll be 5 weeks old tomorrow! He's such a cutie! Anyway, I guess I should really get back to work. My husband wants to take me camping tonight(yes, in a tent)! We'll see how that goes. Last time it was a blast!

Blessings, all!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Lunch with a PG friend

Well I had lunch with K today. It went very well. I was afraid that I might break down and cry but she's not that far along and not showing yet. We had a great time! We even agreed to get together over the summer (once school is out). It had probably been since August since we had seen each other and our schools are only about 3.5 miles apart! How sad! Anyway, my spirits seem to be up a little bit today. I guess only working half a day can do that to a person! I'm cooking a very romantic dinner for my DH tonight. He needs a night of relaxation.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

It's Been A While...

OK so I realize it's been a while since I blogged last...lots of things have happened. I have a new nephew who is almost here (less than a month now til the birth). Several more friends are having babies--I just found out about another one today. I'm still not pregnant. I am going to have an HSG on April 29th to make sure everything is open. If that is normal, Dr. K wants to send me to an RE. Not sure how I feel about that. We tried Letrozole (Femara) for 4 months. I was late 2 days the first 2 months, 5 days the 3rd month, and 3 days the 4th month. But still no pregnancy.

My husband and I started counseling a few weeks ago. This has been too much to deal with. There is a couple in my church who have a ministry to deal with Infertility, Abortion, stillbirth, miscarriage, etc. So we started meeting with them. It seems to be helping until I find out that someone else is pregnant. I know that God has a plan. His plan is perfect for me and my husband. ( Just like the way we were in a wedding together at age 4 as the miniature bride and groom at the same church we got married in?!?!?!?!) So I know God has the master plan, I just want to know if it EVER involves us getting pregnant. But we don't know and we can't know.

Another thing, is that today was my due date from my twins miscarriage. They would be 1 year old now. It's so sad. I'm supposed to have lunch with my friend tomorrow who just told me that she's expecting. She said she would love for us to be pregnant together. I would love that. But who knows. It may not be in God's master plan. Sometimes I wish I had control of the plan, but I know I would just mess everything up!