Wednesday, September 24, 2008

We are a go!

We are a go for this cycle (for now anyways!). I go back on Oct. 1 to make sure everything is still ok. I told the nurse when she called with my results that I do not EVER want to see that dr. again. She kept apologizing and said that next time I would see a different dr. But it's still not MY dr. Anyone else have this problem at the RE? You see your own dr. the first time, but after that, you see every other dr in the place? Hopefully my dr. can do the IUI!


Monday, September 22, 2008

On our way to the dr.


It has not been a good morning. The Dr. was very short with me (not my usual doctor). She maybe spent 2 minutes in there if that and did an ultrasound during that time. She babbled something about PCOS on the right ovary. Yeah! Another thing to deal with. But she never asked if I had any questions or anything. I just wanted to cry. My husband said "I really hate those ultrasound machines. We never get good news when one is used. Maybe if this works, I can start to like them again." It made me feel so bad for him. So they gave me my prescriptions and said they would call me with my lab results. I guess I'll know if we get to start this thing later on today. My hubby and I went out into the parking lot and I just cried. He told me that he never wanted me to see that Dr. again. She was almost rude. I really hope that something positive (a baby) can come from this. I guess she assumed that I had been there before for the same thing several times. She didn't even bother to explain anything. I had to ask the nurse on the way out what to do. When the dr left, she didn't say get dressed or anything. She just handed my hubby the chart and walked out. I really dislike her. I will definitely request to never see her again. I really felt like a number and like I didn't matter at all. I don't think my words can do this situation justice. It was crappy!

On the way home a rock flew up and chipped my windshield. What a lovely day. I'm getting ready to go to work now. I don't even want to. I just want to get back in my pj's and cry for the rest of the day. But oh well! I'm a big girl and I have to go to work so I can pay for my 3 prescriptions that I will pick up this afternoon. They will probably be at least $130.00. I'm used to my $10.00 copay! I guess that's all going out the window too!

I hope you all have a great day. I will post again when I have another update.

N and I are on our way to see the RE this morning. Hopefully everything will be ok and we can get started on this journey! I'll update you when I know more.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I did it!

AF arrived this morning 8 days late, but she arrived nonetheless. I made the call to the RE's office this morning to start the IUI process. Now I'm just waiting for a call back.

I have been sick the past 2 days...still not feeling well today. Not sure what's going on. Either a virus of some sort or a mild case of food poisoning. Hopefully I'll feel better soon.


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Well...Here we go!

As soon as AF shows up, my hubby and I have decided to move forward with the IUI. She was supposed to appear on Friday, but has neglected to show up so far. I do not get my hopes up about being pg when she is late. You must remember that I was once 23 days late, with no BFP! So a few days doesn't mean anything to me. For those of you who have gone through an IUI, please leave me a comment as to what to expect. I'm a little scared that it will hurt very badly. I had an HSG done back in April and it was extremely painful. Can we say cervix clamp? That was the only thing that was painful, the rest was uncomfortable, but not unbearable. I pray he doesn't use a cervix clamp for this, but I guess if it's necessary, I will endure it once again. Anyone else had a cervix clamp used on them?

Please leave comments and let me know if you read my blog, I would love to know who all of you are! Also, if you've gone through an IUI, please let me know what to expect. Thanks so much!


Friday, September 12, 2008

My hubby is amazing!

My DH left me a message on the bathroom mirror the morning after the anniversary of our miscarriage. I got to see it when I came home that night. It said:

I love you with all of my heart.
One day I know that God will bless us with a child and you will be the best mom in the whole world. I pray for you daily and can't wait for that day!

Is he not precious? By the way, the message was written in dry erase marker. That is a great way to leave your spouse or kids notes, or to remind yourself of something. Just make sure that it is a dry erase marker and it will come off easily!

If I'm not pregnant (AF should arrive sometime this weekend), then I think we are going to go ahead with the IUI. I spoke with the RE's office yesterday and got a lot of my questions answered. I'm still hoping that I'm pregnant now so I don't have to spend all of that money!


Monday, September 8, 2008

Tomorrow is the day...

Tomorrow will be two years since our little angels went to Heaven. I'm sure none of my family will even remember this date. I'm so glad my hubby is not working tomorrow night so he can be home with me. I thought about taking the day off tomorrow, but I decided that if I can keep my mind off of it, that would probably be best. Even if I am emotional tomorrow (which is expected), it cannot compare to last Thursday.

I feel a lot better now. Thanks so much for your kind words and words of encouragement. I feel like you ladies truly care more than my hubby's side of the family. Seeing how none of them has ever gone through a miscarriage, you can understand why.

That's why I love our little blogger world. We all can relate. We can share our feelings without anyone getting upset or thinking little of us. I read so many blogs everyday. I feel like sometimes I spend more time in "blogger world" than I do with my own hubby. That's not true of course, but sometimes it feels that way.

When I came home today, I walked into the kitchen to find that a salad plate and a salad bowl from my fine china had fallen off the china cabinet. Yep, you guessed it, they were both broken! A dinner plate was on top of them but was not harmed. Hmmm....I wonder how this could have happened. DH and I were both at work, the dog was outside...the only one left...the cat! I got on to him pretty good, but then I felt bad (just in case he had nothing to do with it) and picked him up and cuddled him. Needless to say he's scared of me right now. The strange thing is that we have a glass break on our Alarm system that is right by the china cabinet, but the alarm never went off...gotta get that checked out.

Did I ever mention that I teach middle school? Well let's just say today was a very interesting day. My classes were all good, my observation went excellent, and the excitement started at the end of the day. Evidently there was some DRAMA that started over the weekend between some middle school and high school boys. Some HS boys were suspended today and they decided that they would come to our school and jump some of our middle school boys. Not going to tell you the whole story. It was all handled and everyone is ok. But there will be charges pressed against the HS boys who came to our school. There was also more drama down the road with guns supposedly and they had to call the cops out, get the football, softball, and cross country teams out of harms way before they could take care of this situation. Did I mention I teach middle school inside the city IN.NER CI.TY SCHO.OL!!!! Yes things were quite interesting. Our principal told us that we needed to be proactive tomorrow just in case something else happened.

See what all ya'll miss by not teaching middle school. There's always a story to tell.


Thursday, September 4, 2008

I feel so defeated

I feel so defeated today. I have done nothing but cry. My mother-in-law called this afternoon and wanted to know if we had done the IUI yet. She offered again to give us the money for it. We refused again. She said she doesn't want to seem like she's pushing. I feel like no one in our family cares. I know they do, but no one asks us how we're doing. For goodness sake, I'm still struggling with the loss of my babies.

It's been almost 2 years since our miscarriage of our twins (Sept. 9). We can't get pregnant on our own unless God intervenes. I've been through enough. Haven't I? I know some of you have been through so much more than me. In the Bible it says that God won't put more on us than we can bear. I feel as though I can't bear anymore. With all of the deaths in the past few months, I just can't take anymore. I would love to be pregnant this month without an IUI. I've prayed so much and for so long for a child. We've only saved about half of the money for the IUI. I was hoping to have 3/4 to 100% of it this month. But it didn't happen. I realize the month just started, but I'm a teacher and I only get paid once a month. My entire check is gone. Did I mention my husband is a youth pastor? Not much money coming in there.

As I sit here typing, I can't help but cry. I miss my twins so much. I feel like no one even cares about my babies. How can you miss someone so much that you never met? I can't explain it, but I have an incredibly large hole in my heart. Nothing can fill it. No amount of "I'm sorry's", "I love you's", or "It will be okay's" makes it feel better. I feel like such a failure. My parents and his parents want grandkids so badly. Lucky for his parents, they have an older son who gave them a child back in April, just a couple of weeks past the one year anniversary of my twins death. It still hurts so badly! I can't explain it. I just want to be a mommy so badly. My husband will be such a good dad. He's wonderful with kids. He talks about how he wants a little girl so much. It breaks my heart that I can't give her to him. He talks about when we have kids we'll... But in my heart I feel like I'll never be able to give him children. Everyone in our family still says "there's plenty of time, you're only 26." or "you'll have kids one day." So because I'm a little bit younger (I don't think 26 is too young to want a child---might I remind you that I am a middle school teacher and we have several young teenage girls who are pregnant right now. It kills me!) I'm expected to want a child less??? It doesn't make sense. As for the second statement, no one except for God knows if we will EVER have kids. We can't afford adoption or IVF. So if the IUI's don't work, I don't know what we'll do. Did I mention that my husband and I both have second jobs now to try to save the money for the procedure? I'm so exhausted when I get home from work, I don't want to do another job. He stays tired all the time and we are losing lots of valuable time together. I just wonder if all of this is worth it. Saving money for something that may or may not work. If it doesn't, i'll just feel like we threw $1200 out the window.

I'm sorry this post is SOOOO long. I really just needed to vent today. I can't stop crying. Please pray for me as I'm by myself (yet again) while my husband is at work for the next 3 hours. I hate this...I really do.

Blessings to you all.