Tomorrow will be two years since our little angels went to Heaven. I'm sure none of my family will even remember this date. I'm so glad my hubby is not working tomorrow night so he can be home with me. I thought about taking the day off tomorrow, but I decided that if I can keep my mind off of it, that would probably be best. Even if I am emotional tomorrow (which is expected), it cannot compare to last Thursday.
I feel a lot better now. Thanks so much for your kind words and words of encouragement. I feel like you ladies truly care more than my hubby's side of the family. Seeing how none of them has ever gone through a miscarriage, you can understand why.
That's why I love our little blogger world. We all can relate. We can share our feelings without anyone getting upset or thinking little of us. I read so many blogs everyday. I feel like sometimes I spend more time in "blogger world" than I do with my own hubby. That's not true of course, but sometimes it feels that way.
When I came home today, I walked into the kitchen to find that a salad plate and a salad bowl from my fine china had fallen off the china cabinet. Yep, you guessed it, they were both broken! A dinner plate was on top of them but was not harmed. Hmmm....I wonder how this could have happened. DH and I were both at work, the dog was outside...the only one left...the cat! I got on to him pretty good, but then I felt bad (just in case he had nothing to do with it) and picked him up and cuddled him. Needless to say he's scared of me right now. The strange thing is that we have a glass break on our Alarm system that is right by the china cabinet, but the alarm never went off...gotta get that checked out.
Did I ever mention that I teach middle school? Well let's just say today was a very interesting day. My classes were all good, my observation went excellent, and the excitement started at the end of the day. Evidently there was some DRAMA that started over the weekend between some middle school and high school boys. Some HS boys were suspended today and they decided that they would come to our school and jump some of our middle school boys. Not going to tell you the whole story. It was all handled and everyone is ok. But there will be charges pressed against the HS boys who came to our school. There was also more drama down the road with guns supposedly and they had to call the cops out, get the football, softball, and cross country teams out of harms way before they could take care of this situation. Did I mention I teach middle school inside the city limits...an IN.NER CI.TY SCHO.OL!!!! Yes things were quite interesting. Our principal told us that we needed to be proactive tomorrow just in case something else happened.
See what all ya'll miss by not teaching middle school. There's always a story to tell.
Blessings!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I feel so defeated
I feel so defeated today. I have done nothing but cry. My mother-in-law called this afternoon and wanted to know if we had done the IUI yet. She offered again to give us the money for it. We refused again. She said she doesn't want to seem like she's pushing. I feel like no one in our family cares. I know they do, but no one asks us how we're doing. For goodness sake, I'm still struggling with the loss of my babies.
It's been almost 2 years since our miscarriage of our twins (Sept. 9). We can't get pregnant on our own unless God intervenes. I've been through enough. Haven't I? I know some of you have been through so much more than me. In the Bible it says that God won't put more on us than we can bear. I feel as though I can't bear anymore. With all of the deaths in the past few months, I just can't take anymore. I would love to be pregnant this month without an IUI. I've prayed so much and for so long for a child. We've only saved about half of the money for the IUI. I was hoping to have 3/4 to 100% of it this month. But it didn't happen. I realize the month just started, but I'm a teacher and I only get paid once a month. My entire check is gone. Did I mention my husband is a youth pastor? Not much money coming in there.
As I sit here typing, I can't help but cry. I miss my twins so much. I feel like no one even cares about my babies. How can you miss someone so much that you never met? I can't explain it, but I have an incredibly large hole in my heart. Nothing can fill it. No amount of "I'm sorry's", "I love you's", or "It will be okay's" makes it feel better. I feel like such a failure. My parents and his parents want grandkids so badly. Lucky for his parents, they have an older son who gave them a child back in April, just a couple of weeks past the one year anniversary of my twins death. It still hurts so badly! I can't explain it. I just want to be a mommy so badly. My husband will be such a good dad. He's wonderful with kids. He talks about how he wants a little girl so much. It breaks my heart that I can't give her to him. He talks about when we have kids we'll... But in my heart I feel like I'll never be able to give him children. Everyone in our family still says "there's plenty of time, you're only 26." or "you'll have kids one day." So because I'm a little bit younger (I don't think 26 is too young to want a child---might I remind you that I am a middle school teacher and we have several young teenage girls who are pregnant right now. It kills me!) I'm expected to want a child less??? It doesn't make sense. As for the second statement, no one except for God knows if we will EVER have kids. We can't afford adoption or IVF. So if the IUI's don't work, I don't know what we'll do. Did I mention that my husband and I both have second jobs now to try to save the money for the procedure? I'm so exhausted when I get home from work, I don't want to do another job. He stays tired all the time and we are losing lots of valuable time together. I just wonder if all of this is worth it. Saving money for something that may or may not work. If it doesn't, i'll just feel like we threw $1200 out the window.
I'm sorry this post is SOOOO long. I really just needed to vent today. I can't stop crying. Please pray for me as I'm by myself (yet again) while my husband is at work for the next 3 hours. I hate this...I really do.
Blessings to you all.
It's been almost 2 years since our miscarriage of our twins (Sept. 9). We can't get pregnant on our own unless God intervenes. I've been through enough. Haven't I? I know some of you have been through so much more than me. In the Bible it says that God won't put more on us than we can bear. I feel as though I can't bear anymore. With all of the deaths in the past few months, I just can't take anymore. I would love to be pregnant this month without an IUI. I've prayed so much and for so long for a child. We've only saved about half of the money for the IUI. I was hoping to have 3/4 to 100% of it this month. But it didn't happen. I realize the month just started, but I'm a teacher and I only get paid once a month. My entire check is gone. Did I mention my husband is a youth pastor? Not much money coming in there.
As I sit here typing, I can't help but cry. I miss my twins so much. I feel like no one even cares about my babies. How can you miss someone so much that you never met? I can't explain it, but I have an incredibly large hole in my heart. Nothing can fill it. No amount of "I'm sorry's", "I love you's", or "It will be okay's" makes it feel better. I feel like such a failure. My parents and his parents want grandkids so badly. Lucky for his parents, they have an older son who gave them a child back in April, just a couple of weeks past the one year anniversary of my twins death. It still hurts so badly! I can't explain it. I just want to be a mommy so badly. My husband will be such a good dad. He's wonderful with kids. He talks about how he wants a little girl so much. It breaks my heart that I can't give her to him. He talks about when we have kids we'll... But in my heart I feel like I'll never be able to give him children. Everyone in our family still says "there's plenty of time, you're only 26." or "you'll have kids one day." So because I'm a little bit younger (I don't think 26 is too young to want a child---might I remind you that I am a middle school teacher and we have several young teenage girls who are pregnant right now. It kills me!) I'm expected to want a child less??? It doesn't make sense. As for the second statement, no one except for God knows if we will EVER have kids. We can't afford adoption or IVF. So if the IUI's don't work, I don't know what we'll do. Did I mention that my husband and I both have second jobs now to try to save the money for the procedure? I'm so exhausted when I get home from work, I don't want to do another job. He stays tired all the time and we are losing lots of valuable time together. I just wonder if all of this is worth it. Saving money for something that may or may not work. If it doesn't, i'll just feel like we threw $1200 out the window.
I'm sorry this post is SOOOO long. I really just needed to vent today. I can't stop crying. Please pray for me as I'm by myself (yet again) while my husband is at work for the next 3 hours. I hate this...I really do.
Blessings to you all.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Back to the grindstone!
Well the kids started back to school today. I have 130 students this year so far. I know this number will fluctuate all year. I have some talkers in a couple of my classes. I will definitely have to keep a tight leash on those classes, but overall I think it will be a great year! We are doing lots of new things this year and I'm very excited about it.
Nathan and I are going to "Try" again this week to get pregnant. We are saving money as fast as we can to do the IUI. He wants to try it first. My doctor says that if I can get pregnant that will help with the "possible" endometriosis. Who knows. I don't know what to believe anymore!
Wish us babydust!
Blessings!
Nathan and I are going to "Try" again this week to get pregnant. We are saving money as fast as we can to do the IUI. He wants to try it first. My doctor says that if I can get pregnant that will help with the "possible" endometriosis. Who knows. I don't know what to believe anymore!
Wish us babydust!
Blessings!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Extremely Random and Hurting
Vacation was wonderful. I go back to work tomorrow. It really stinks! I worked in my classroom for a combined 10 hours on Thursday and Friday. It's almost completely ready to go!
I'm not pregnant again, but I really wasn't surprised. I didn't even cry. Go figure. After almost 2 years of being disappointed each and every month, I guess you just get used to it. Next month will be 2 years since we miscarried the twins. We are currently saving money and praying about when to do the IUI. I'm still not sure if I should do the surgery first. Any thoughts?
My life has been pure crap since April. My uncle died unexpectedly. Then, last Saturday my great uncle died on my mom's side of the family. Last night, my aunt died. I'm just wondering when all of the crap is gonna stop happening to our family. I feel like ever since I started teaching crap has happened each year.
Let's examine more closely:
1st year: my Grandfather dies, my husband donates kidney to my dad, my dad has a pancreas transplant somehow gets a mysterious fungus and almost dies not once, but twice
2nd year: a very crappy year at school. principal is hateful. other teachers are running the school instead of the principal.
3rd year: miscarriage, MIL has heart attack, I began going into depression
We move twice-once to live with the in-laws for 4 months until our house was completed, and then finally into our new house.
4th year: grandmother gets remarried (wasn't sure about this at the time, but it's ok now), uncle passes, diagnosed with possible endometriosis
5th year (hasn't even started yet--starts tomorrow): Great uncle dies, Aunt dies (she's much better off now--has been sick for a VERY long time)
See what I mean? It's been pure crap. But the good news is I know God has a plan for all of this stuff. He brought me out of my depression thanks to Caleb Ministries counseling at church. My husband and I are a lot closer now than we've ever been before. I look at the world through different eyes than I used to. I used to look at the world through rose colored glasses. Now I see that bad things do happen to good people. It's unfair, but it's life. I love getting to read all of your blogs. When you become pregnant or have babies, I smile. I'm so happy for all of you. When you miscarry or are not pregnant yet again, I'm sad for you. Your joy is my joy. Your pain is my pain. I've been there, so I know how much it hurts. One day I hope to experience the joy that several of you have or are experiencing. Keep my family in your prayers as we have the receiving of friends tomorrow night and the funeral on Tuesday.
Please continue to pray for N and me. We just don't know what to do. Once we raise the money for the IUI, we don't want to jump right on it unless it's the right time. We don't want to blow the money. We're definitely not made out of money; I'm a teacher and N's a youth pastor. Clearly we are not loaded! Barely making it most months. N took another job just to help with the saving part.
Wow that was a completely random post. I did not know all of that was going to come out of me! Sorry. But if you made it this far, I hope you will pray for us!
I'm not pregnant again, but I really wasn't surprised. I didn't even cry. Go figure. After almost 2 years of being disappointed each and every month, I guess you just get used to it. Next month will be 2 years since we miscarried the twins. We are currently saving money and praying about when to do the IUI. I'm still not sure if I should do the surgery first. Any thoughts?
My life has been pure crap since April. My uncle died unexpectedly. Then, last Saturday my great uncle died on my mom's side of the family. Last night, my aunt died. I'm just wondering when all of the crap is gonna stop happening to our family. I feel like ever since I started teaching crap has happened each year.
Let's examine more closely:
1st year: my Grandfather dies, my husband donates kidney to my dad, my dad has a pancreas transplant somehow gets a mysterious fungus and almost dies not once, but twice
2nd year: a very crappy year at school. principal is hateful. other teachers are running the school instead of the principal.
3rd year: miscarriage, MIL has heart attack, I began going into depression
We move twice-once to live with the in-laws for 4 months until our house was completed, and then finally into our new house.
4th year: grandmother gets remarried (wasn't sure about this at the time, but it's ok now), uncle passes, diagnosed with possible endometriosis
5th year (hasn't even started yet--starts tomorrow): Great uncle dies, Aunt dies (she's much better off now--has been sick for a VERY long time)
See what I mean? It's been pure crap. But the good news is I know God has a plan for all of this stuff. He brought me out of my depression thanks to Caleb Ministries counseling at church. My husband and I are a lot closer now than we've ever been before. I look at the world through different eyes than I used to. I used to look at the world through rose colored glasses. Now I see that bad things do happen to good people. It's unfair, but it's life. I love getting to read all of your blogs. When you become pregnant or have babies, I smile. I'm so happy for all of you. When you miscarry or are not pregnant yet again, I'm sad for you. Your joy is my joy. Your pain is my pain. I've been there, so I know how much it hurts. One day I hope to experience the joy that several of you have or are experiencing. Keep my family in your prayers as we have the receiving of friends tomorrow night and the funeral on Tuesday.
Please continue to pray for N and me. We just don't know what to do. Once we raise the money for the IUI, we don't want to jump right on it unless it's the right time. We don't want to blow the money. We're definitely not made out of money; I'm a teacher and N's a youth pastor. Clearly we are not loaded! Barely making it most months. N took another job just to help with the saving part.
Wow that was a completely random post. I did not know all of that was going to come out of me! Sorry. But if you made it this far, I hope you will pray for us!
Friday, August 1, 2008
On Vacation!
My hubby and I are officially on Vacation until next Saturday. We'll be lying on the beach and playing in the ocean! I can't wait to leave in the morning. Hopefully this will help get my mind off of the 2WW. We are still unsure whether to start IUI next cycle or wait...just waiting on God to show us what He wants us to do! Blessings!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Not PG!
AF showed up on Sunday morning...23 days late! I guess all those pregnancy tests weren't wrong. I'm excited that we now get to try IUI. I'm hoping and praying for multiples! Now just to find the time to do it! I don't have much time or battery life left on the laptop...no plug ins in the woods! Camp is going great so far. Hope all is well with all of you!
Blessings!
Blessings!
Friday, July 11, 2008
I decided to wait...
I took 2 more pregnancy tests...both were negative. I'm hoping that maybe my hormones are just a little sluggish. One of my friends told me that with her first child, hpt's didn't start saying she was pg until she was 30 days late. Who knows? Either way, I don't guess anything's hurting with me not starting. We're leaving for camp in the morning and won't return until Friday. I couldn't have started an IUI cycle anyway this time. So I guess I'm just gonna wait it out a little while longer and see what happens. I'm 21 days late today. I'm just gonna pray that maybe, just maybe, there's something brewing in there! Who knows? God could be testing me (yet again) to see how patient I'll be. Pray for many souls at camp this week. There will be over 200 students (middle and high) at our camp. Blessings!
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