I feel so defeated today. I have done nothing but cry. My mother-in-law called this afternoon and wanted to know if we had done the IUI yet. She offered again to give us the money for it. We refused again. She said she doesn't want to seem like she's pushing. I feel like no one in our family cares. I know they do, but no one asks us how we're doing. For goodness sake, I'm still struggling with the loss of my babies.
It's been almost 2 years since our miscarriage of our twins (Sept. 9). We can't get pregnant on our own unless God intervenes. I've been through enough. Haven't I? I know some of you have been through so much more than me. In the Bible it says that God won't put more on us than we can bear. I feel as though I can't bear anymore. With all of the deaths in the past few months, I just can't take anymore. I would love to be pregnant this month without an IUI. I've prayed so much and for so long for a child. We've only saved about half of the money for the IUI. I was hoping to have 3/4 to 100% of it this month. But it didn't happen. I realize the month just started, but I'm a teacher and I only get paid once a month. My entire check is gone. Did I mention my husband is a youth pastor? Not much money coming in there.
As I sit here typing, I can't help but cry. I miss my twins so much. I feel like no one even cares about my babies. How can you miss someone so much that you never met? I can't explain it, but I have an incredibly large hole in my heart. Nothing can fill it. No amount of "I'm sorry's", "I love you's", or "It will be okay's" makes it feel better. I feel like such a failure. My parents and his parents want grandkids so badly. Lucky for his parents, they have an older son who gave them a child back in April, just a couple of weeks past the one year anniversary of my twins death. It still hurts so badly! I can't explain it. I just want to be a mommy so badly. My husband will be such a good dad. He's wonderful with kids. He talks about how he wants a little girl so much. It breaks my heart that I can't give her to him. He talks about when we have kids we'll... But in my heart I feel like I'll never be able to give him children. Everyone in our family still says "there's plenty of time, you're only 26." or "you'll have kids one day." So because I'm a little bit younger (I don't think 26 is too young to want a child---might I remind you that I am a middle school teacher and we have several young teenage girls who are pregnant right now. It kills me!) I'm expected to want a child less??? It doesn't make sense. As for the second statement, no one except for God knows if we will EVER have kids. We can't afford adoption or IVF. So if the IUI's don't work, I don't know what we'll do. Did I mention that my husband and I both have second jobs now to try to save the money for the procedure? I'm so exhausted when I get home from work, I don't want to do another job. He stays tired all the time and we are losing lots of valuable time together. I just wonder if all of this is worth it. Saving money for something that may or may not work. If it doesn't, i'll just feel like we threw $1200 out the window.
I'm sorry this post is SOOOO long. I really just needed to vent today. I can't stop crying. Please pray for me as I'm by myself (yet again) while my husband is at work for the next 3 hours. I hate this...I really do.
Blessings to you all.
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5 comments:
Hi Casey - thanks for your comment on my post. I hope it was a little helpful for you today - sounds like it's been a rough one. I am the same way - I can go from having a pretty hopeful day to feeling completely overwhelmed by the whole process. It's so frustrating to see other people pregnant and to hear how simple it seems for everyone but us. I am a social worker, so I often see/hear stories about girls who mistreated their little babies, have 3 kids and are 17, etc. It's becoming harder and harder for me to hear these things.
I hope that you can find some hope in your day. When I get at my lowest points, I try to remind myself how fortunate and blessed I am to have my husband. It's the only silver lining of this thing because I can't imagine if I were going through it alone or if I were with someone who didn't really care.
Thinking of you...
I'm so sorry you are feeling down. I can't imagine losing twins - but I think it's completely expected to grieve over them, and to fill a void without them. One verse that always helps me through the rough times is in Psalm 37:4. It says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." The more that you delight yourself in Him, the more you become like Him, and the more His desires become your desires. Right now I would focus on letting Him fill the emptiness.
*HUGS*
Casey - this is the first time I have read your blog and I can so relate to everything you have said in your blog. I don't know if I will ever recover fully from the loss of our baby. Every day I think...I would be this far along right now...if...I have also had the exact same reaction and thoughts about God and my faith. I am at the end of my rope...but he keeps pushing me farther. Eventually I WILL fall!
I am here if you need anything...I wish I could be with you right now giving you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Email me if you need anything!!!
Hi Casey ~~ I am so sorry for the pain and suffering you are facing right now. Loss is hard, but I cannot even imagine double loss of twins.
I am not sure if this would be a comfort or not, but because of your loss, your experience, you are now closer to God than those of us who have not experienced loss. You understand what God went through to give us Jesus. Through your pain and suffering, you are being sanctified.
There is no consultation to going through pain and suffering - we often cry, why me? And we'd easily prefer having never experienced it. But for me it is helpful in understanding how much God loves us.
Lamentations 3:19-24 says: I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'
I pray that you can still see God's great love for you and hope in His faithfulness.
**BIG HUGS**
Nity
Hi Casey,
I want you to know that I understand your pain I to losts twins less then 6 wks ago. I do understand somewhat where you are coming from, you try for something that you want so bad and then it is taken from you in the blink of an eye.
The Infertility process is so difficult and over whelming at times. I don't think that I will every fully get over my losses, I think that my pain will lessen over time to a point. I have added you to my blog role and I will check in on you from time to time. I found myself really struggle with seeing babies and pregnant bellies thats what sets me off right now.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 I hope that this verse gives you peace.
Hugs, Thinking of you.
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